the year that was.

on life.

it does not wait for you to grow up.

you have to grow up on your own,

and realize

that life does not change for you.

and that

the change in perspective

has to come from you.

because if you constantly wait

for something to happen,

you will get frustrated.

but if you set your heart on life goals,

you will be spurred on

by your little victories.

on love.

there is a considerable difference

between falling in love

and settling.

never be pressured

to be in a relationship.

just wait for love to come,

do not force

nor feign it.

pretending will only

break other people's hearts,

and make you an asshole.

but do listen

when your heart speaks to you

for it oftentimes speaks softly.

on family.

as much as possible,

be on good terms

with your family.

you will find that when

familial relationships are impaired,

there will always be

something intangible

that gnaws at your very core.

it's hard to be genuinely happy

when there are several loose strings

that need some fixing.

your family

will always be your lifesavers.

no matter what.

and under all circumstances.

on friends.

you don't have to please everyone.

and it is okay for some friendships

to wither,

especially if you do not feel good

about yourself

when you are with them.

never change who you are

just to please others

and make them like you.

always trust your instincts

when it comes to choosing

your friends.

keep old ones,

but be careful in making new ones.

on work.

sooner or later

you will realize

that being mainstream

requires you to think less

so you can earn more.

but never allow yourself

to be sucked alive

by a job that you do not see yourself

doing for a long time.

revisit your little boy's yearnings:

what did you want to become?

a change in career path

is always possible.

you just have to be steadfast

and unwavering

in satiating what your heart

truly desires.

never settle for anything less.

chase your life dream.

even if it takes all your energy.

because in the end,

it will all be worth it.

on beer.

never let it control you.

if it reaches a point where your life

has been unduly disrupted,

and your social circles have been impaired,

drop the bottle.

because it can be destructive,

especially if your self-control

only exists in theory.

on reputation.

always keep your self-image

in check.

for the damage,

once it is inflicted,

is oftentimes irreversible.

do not be the person

that people will look at

and say:

what has happened to him?

he used to be good,

but now,

he is disappointment personified.

your self-image will always be

what sustains you.

never compromise your integrity.

on yourself.

always remember

to love yourself more.

my krismas istory.

hello mga ka freshness!

ang tagal ko ng di nagpost dito. kasi naman, nonstop eating ang nagaganap sa bahay namin.

limang araw na akong lumalamon, natutulog, jumejebs, at kumakain ulit. from the masasaganang fruits like mango, papaya, banana, and pineapple, to artery-blockers like lechon, lumpia, crispy pata, and other high blood inducers.

nung isang araw nga, sinita na ako ng mudrax ko, dahil panay daw ang kain ko ng pansit. kasi daw dalawang araw na yung panis. sorry naman, kayo kaya ang gutom?

kapagka hindi naman kumakain, ay nakahilata lang ako sa sala, nanunuod ng kung anu-anung mga shit shit na movie, at syempre pa, kasama ang aking mga band of brothers and parental guidance. hangsaaaaarap lang pag araw-araw ang pasko at sana wala nang mga inaanak hihi .

kahit na katropa ako ng mga SMP ngayong paskong to, ay wala akong pakialam. kasi masaya naman ako sa piling ng pamilya ko. kornee kung sa kornee pakinggan, pero na-miss ko din kasi ang ganito. nung isang taon kasi, mag-isa lang akong nagcelebrate ng krismas sa cebu. walang excitement factor pag nag exchange gift ka na mag-isa ka lang, at lalong ang hirap mag family picture pag ikaw lang ang nasa hapag kainan.

kaya ngayong taon na to, minabuti ko talagang makipag-lablab sa mga magulang at kapatid ko. bihira nalang din kasi kaming mag get together, lalo na ngayong malalaki na kami. at, in the fair, ay naging masaya naman mga naging pasko ko growing up.

yung tipong, manghang-mangha ako kai santa claus dati. pwera nalang nung nahuli ko ang tatay ko na naglalagay ng mga anik-anik sa medyas ko ng biglang nagising ako ng madaling araw. nung nakita ko siya, kumaripas siya ng takbo sa CR at nagkulong dun. syempre bilang naiihi ako, inantay ko talagang lumabas siya. but no. pinandigan nyang kathang isip lamang na nakita ko siya. so after 3 hours, natulog nalang ako ulit, kahit na pumuputok na ang pantog ko. di bale ng magka UTI ang anak nya, basta lang hindi ko malaman ang kanyang deep, red secret.

nung grade three din yata ako nun, meron din akong di malilimutan na krismas experience. pumunta kaming apat na magkakapatid, kasama si erpat, sa tyangge, para bumili ng mga pork cuts etshitera. bilang antukin akong bata, natulog lang ako sa jeep namin pagdating dun.

pagkagising ko, hysterikal na ang sangkatauhan. umiiyak ang dalawa kong kuya, at umuusok ang tenga ng erpat ko sa galit.

'mga putang ina, anung kaguluhan ito? natutulog ang tao eh!' sambit ko. pero sa utak ko lang. kasi baka mahambalos na naman ako.

'nawawala ang kapatid mong babae. ang tatanga nyo kasing mga kuya!' galit na sagot ni erpatsu.

'ah okay. goodnight ulit. goodluck sa inyo!' joke!

syempre, nawala ako sa dreamland at tinulungan kong hanapin ang nakababata kong kapatid na biglang naging lost sa tyangge. sinuyod namin ang kahabaan at kalaliman ng dumaguete public market. at habang naghahanap kami, hindi tumigil sa paghagulhol ang dalawa kong mga kapatid.

ako naman, relaks lang. syempre, nung mga panahung yun, buhay pa naman si inday badiday. pwedeng manawagan ang kapatid ko sa eye to eye. and if push comes to the wall, pwede din sa show ni rosa rosal na damayan, dahil hindi pa siya red cross chairperson nun, at madaming madami pa siyang dugo nung panahung yun.

muntik na kaming mag give up at umuwi nalang sa bahay na one child less ng biglang may nakita kaming batang nakaupo lang sa isang sulok sa wet market. doon mismo sa kung saan binubutcher ang mga baboy at kung anu-anu pang mga karne shit. nakatanga lang siya dun habang pinagmamasdan kung pano imassacre ang baboy at gawing 1,000 small pieces.

andun lang pala siya all the while.

tumatakbong luhaan papunta sa kanya ang mga kapatid ko. niyakap siya ng mahigpit, yung tipong hindi na siya makahinga. kasi pala may halong poot ang pagkakayakap na yun. hahaha.

kaya ayun, umuwi na kami, at namangha sa mistulang krismas miracle na naganap.

happy holidays everyone, and i hope all of you had the best time last christmas!

on my first time at the pulpit.

this morning, i gave the sermon at the early morning mass, with the parents in tow.

the theme was 'christ incarnated through the family', and i shared about my experiences growing up to an ultra-conservative household where sunday was almost everyday, family rosaries had a weekly quota, and bible studies were made part of the domestic curriculum.

this would have been unimaginable, say, five years back -- since during those days, when my own intellectual pursuits were leading me towards a world that was dominated by logic and rationality, faith was an abstraction that my mind instinctively rejected.

i was an agnostic back then, and it did not help that the institution that represented my faith was wracked with dark and brooding evil. and it absolutely did not help that i was immersed in a university that prioritized the refinement of knowledge above all else, spiritual conquests were relegated to the periphery.

but now, i can say that i have my faith.

but it's something personal, and i do not subject myself to the social constructs of religion -- because these constructs, after all, are dictated by the dominants and the religious hegemons.

i believe in a higher being, but i do not subscribe to the claims of predetermination.

i have my faith, but i still think that the holy men in cloth are not so holy, and in some cases, they are the unholiest in society.

i believe in the divine, but i do not allow the stars to dictate my fate -- since i am more inclined to embrace the worldview of atheists that you define your life; not fate, not destiny, and definitely not detached externalities.

but given this perceived and concedable inchoateness of my religious beliefs, and my strong suspicion that i will be rejected by religious purists (DUH), should i be worried that at the end of the day, i am still excluded from the chaste and the pure?

again, i do not care.

all i care about is i have my god, and even when the pope has unceasingly lashed out at contemporary pseudo-religiosities and quasi-concepts of religious relativism, i do not fucking care.

all i care about is i have my god, and i have a faith that i am solely accountable to.

and oh, i also have a wish for my nine morning masses.

post-mortem.

before you even try to cry and tell me that you will reject my words even before they are released from my lips, please do not.

look in my eyes and tell me that this is not the right thing to do.

look at my exhausted eyes and, for once, emancipate your system of your glamourised perception of me, and see me, or at least try to, as i really am.

or better yet, see us as we really are.

yes, i like you. but like is not love. and love will never be like. we exist in our world together. but this existence has the foreboding of an abrupt rupture – or of gradual departure; the latter worse than the former.

i look at your hands firmly locked in mine, and i see you smile, but is this all there is to it?

right at the onset, i have told you of my misgivings, my shortcomings, my paranoia, my brokenness. you have seen me stripped of that facade: you saw me at my worst.

thank you for trying. believe me, i mean it when i say that.

but ever since my vulnerability has taught me that things are not always as they seem, and that i am better off making sure my self-respect is kept intact, so must i guard my sanity from leaving me. i need to sift through what is genuine in the long run, and liberate myself from the deception of short-term bliss.

i want to love you, believe me i do.

it’s just that. love. is. never. always. easy. and. loving. me. is. never. easy.

i look at you now, and i only see a shadow of who you used to be. in my mind.

i look at your eyes, and my heart instinctively closes itself because it sees what my mind chooses not to see.

i firmly intertwine my fingers with yours, but it does not stay long, because its clairvoyance is almost always certain: it prepares my fragile hands to pick up my broken pieces after our inevitable demise; it readies my heart for mourning.

adieu stranger.

and thank you for making me believe that i can be loved.

hiatus.

i will write about something soon.

i just need to get a grip on my emotions.