Tuesday, August 6

the unsent letter.


dear lover,

you might think it bizarre that i need to write you this letter, but consider this as part of my eccentricities; eccentricities that you are now a part of since you decided to become part of who i am.

first of all, i need to be candid with you and tell you about my heart.

you see, my heart used to be the focal point of my existence. whereas most people think it to be a mechanical organ which only pumps blood to sustain one's existence, mine directs everything about me: my perceptions, my impulses, my totality. it used to be the reason why my breathing was sustained, and i am certain that at one point in my life, the entirety of my existence depended on it.

do notice that i used the word 'used', because as what i've told you from our past exchanges, my heart has metamorphosed from a delicate bud into a box; so much so that after successive heartbreaks, it has managed to cope with the viscittitudes of promises that have since been broken, i love yous that do not emanate from the soul, and assurances that easily break like a flimsy twig.

if you must know, and this is something that i share with utmost reservation, it has become adept at opening and closing when it feels the need to. it has become adaptable at being receptive at will, yet at the same time, it can manage to shut the world out in a heartbeat. i guess this is what happens after the world has broken you, and you have no other recourse but to pretend to be complete again. because later on in life, you realize that people and hearts get by by pretending to know happiness, even when in reality, they no longer realize the difference between happiness that is effortless and happiness that is merely feigned and constructed.

why is why it baffles me why, even with what little time i have spent with you, right now, it has chosen to open itself up for longer than usual. i tell you that it's not only disconcerting; it petrifies the soul, because not only is it unfamiliar, but it seems too good to be true. it's especially unsettling because i know myself too well, and i am fairly familiar with how my heart works: it does not sustain -- so you need to be forewarned of its predispositions.

but lest you scamper away at my mentioning this, please hear me out first.

because even when i know that i have become comfortable with this self-imposed seclusion through time, deep inside, i still know that my heart yearns for crimson sunsets, the allure of poetry, and the promise of love unrequited. for even when it has retreated into despair in order to guard itself from succumbing to death, it still secretly wishes to be in love, and it still knows that to be in love is the most exhilirating feeling of all.

i do not promise to be the best partner there is, because admittedly, i also have my flaws and I too am broken. but i guess, what sets you apart from the rest of the transient souls who have fleetingly passed by me is that with you, i aspire to become better. with you, i wish to have my old heart back, and discard this mechanical object which is a flimsy substitute for a beating and feeling human heart.

we both know that the budding of our romance is not that ideal. we both know that just as the stars are uncertain, so is the possibility of us slaying whatever monsters that may come our way. the geography of distance may inevitably imperil what beautiful thing we share right now, but do know that if you constantly tell me to sustain, i will and i shall. very seldom do i temper my resolve to battle the odds and challenge the cosmos when the challenges they send my way seem incapable of defeat -- but when i know that i have someone to anchor my resolve on, i know, i just do, that i will sustain.

so far, it has been a beautiful journey together, despite the distance and inspite of myself. and even when the odds seem to be against us, do know that if you will let me hold your hand, i shall constantly hold you. and with each kiss that i give you, my promise to give you that beautiful sunrise becomes all the more possible.

i love you, and i promise to take care of your heart.