Saturday, December 15

for ria.

as early as now, i think i need to apologize to you if it seems like, from your vantage point, i am an insensitive, cold-blooded bitch. it's just that, through time, i've learned, and in the hard way mind you, that it is always better to put up walls than to make my heart susceptible to being bludgeoned to death again and again and again.

what do i mean?

each time you send me text messages that speak of beautiful and forlorn things (in my mind, there's really not much distinction) and i reply back with a few terse lines, it does not mean that I don't appreciate your efforts. believe me, i die a little each time i receive these sporadic emotional manifestations from you -- it's just that i need to make myself appear nonchalant, detached, and disinterested. i've learned from experience that too much enthusiasm over these little things can sometimes scare people off, because they think i've become too attached. so for now, let me be cold and lethargic to you, but do know that this will not last long.

every time we talk about us, and i keep my messages short and crisp, and punctuated by smileys, it's because i cannot contain the happiness that i feel inside. i guess you know by now my propensity to be an idiot at the most unexpected situations, so my mechanical responses are just mechanisms so i can keep these idiotic episodes at bay. if you must know, i smile like a fool each time i send those messages to you, but again, i must guard myself from appearing too eager and desperate for your endearments. i do these things primarily for you, and secondarily for myself; so do know that i appear cold not because i want you to go away, but because i want you to continue persisting, and not be turned off by my sporadic outbursts of euphoria.

which is why, as a matter of courtesy, i need to also apologize to you each time i am consumed by intoxication, and i send all these messages laced with undying affection and imbued with emotional innuendos. those are the moments when i can no longer temper the romantic that lurks in my system, and during those unguarded moments, i become the person that I was before all the hurt, pain, and resentment changed me. i regress into the hopeless romantic that i am as i once again believe in the folly of unrequited and unadulterated romance.

i guess what I'm saying is, i build walls, yes, but i want you to be persistent and not be discouraged by these self-constructed impressions of disinterest -- because deep in my heart, i also want you to break down these walls for me, for you -- for us.