Friday, December 17

post-mortem.

before you even try to cry and tell me that you will reject my words even before they are released from my lips, please do not.

look in my eyes and tell me that this is not the right thing to do.

look at my exhausted eyes and, for once, emancipate your system of your glamourised perception of me, and see me, or at least try to, as i really am.

or better yet, see us as we really are.

yes, i like you. but like is not love. and love will never be like. we exist in our world together. but this existence has the foreboding of an abrupt rupture – or of gradual departure; the latter worse than the former.

i look at your hands firmly locked in mine, and i see you smile, but is this all there is to it?

right at the onset, i have told you of my misgivings, my shortcomings, my paranoia, my brokenness. you have seen me stripped of that facade: you saw me at my worst.

thank you for trying. believe me, i mean it when i say that.

but ever since my vulnerability has taught me that things are not always as they seem, and that i am better off making sure my self-respect is kept intact, so must i guard my sanity from leaving me. i need to sift through what is genuine in the long run, and liberate myself from the deception of short-term bliss.

i want to love you, believe me i do.

it’s just that. love. is. never. always. easy. and. loving. me. is. never. easy.

i look at you now, and i only see a shadow of who you used to be. in my mind.

i look at your eyes, and my heart instinctively closes itself because it sees what my mind chooses not to see.

i firmly intertwine my fingers with yours, but it does not stay long, because its clairvoyance is almost always certain: it prepares my fragile hands to pick up my broken pieces after our inevitable demise; it readies my heart for mourning.

adieu stranger.

and thank you for making me believe that i can be loved.

7 comments:

The Gasoline Dude said...

AWTS! Kawawa naman 'yung taong inaalayan mo nito. But it's better to tell what you really feel rather than pretend.

glentot said...

Hmm I don't wanna feel sorry of the narrator, or even for the person to whom this was intended. I think this is the most beautiful way a person can be let down - with even the harshest words expressed in honesty and built upon a solid foundation of affection. This is how "no hard feelings" can be achieved, and if someone I love tells me this, I would not be able to keep a grudge, or at least a broken heart. The reason being I can find no selfishness, no pretentions, from the narrator. In fact, he is being selfless in this act.

Some people have a way with words. Some people mean the nicest things and still phrase them in the worst ways, while some have very bad news but deliver them in the most beautiful manner.

KikomaxXx said...

siguro ito yung dahilan ng hiatus... di lang ako sure... so sad... so really really sad... ika nga ni jinjiruks moving on is really necessary,

Will said...

Nice, as usual, but this is very sad. A sad thank you. Parang ang dami atang malulungkot ngayong Pasko. :(

Manech said...

"...liberate myself from the deception of short-term bliss."

Someone told me once that it's how you decide to keep the fire burning (despite or because of the odds). One, to let it rage, consume, take everything in its path until it dies down.

The other option, one that I now want to take, is to let it linger, little but not wanting, just enough to keep you warm for the rest of your life.

Maybe I am out of context, but what I really want to point out is that bliss is probably how we choose to have it. To take it all in in one go, or to have it, little by little, each day, forever.

Ria said...

Clyde, I almost forgot about this na... Still find it heartbreaking but beautiful. :')

claudiopoi said...

@ria,

welcome to my alternate universe. hehe. gawa ka na rin ng sayo. :)