as i inhale the smoke, i can trace its every movement inside my body, i can taste its trail: from my mouth, to my throat, and then finally, to wherever the trail ends -- perhaps, and i can only surmise, it meets its finality in that desolate place, somewhere between my heart and my head, where all my unpleasant memories lay buried.
as i puff out the smoke, i marvel at how, sometimes, time becomes suspended, and in that moment of clarity, i reach my hands out to hold its fleeting realness, but even before my arms are outstretched, the smoke ascends, dissipates into thin air, and its evasiveness is both beautiful and tragic.
as i puff my cigarette, stare into nothingness, and indulge in the pulsating euphoria of the inexplicable, i am comforted by my knowledge that with each emotional reprieve that i derive from my death sticks, i also silently emancipate myself from the ordeal of perpetually trying to be what others wish me to be.
and as i allow myself to get lost in its hazy glory, i can clearly see the irony embedded in its beauty: for with each puff that brings with it resuscitation, i know that i also wish to be extinguished and be freed from the madness of the world.
9 comments:
Eto ba gusto mo?
Ugh, I hate how this just resonated with something I've been suppressing for days now. sana nga umabot ang yosi dun sa void sa gitna ng utak at puso. nakakabwisit na eh.
as for trying to be what others wish you to be, that's kinda sad. i think you're fine just as you are and you shouldn't change anything if you don't feel like it. :)
yosi pa. lol
that's why you don't smoke when you're emo, or is it the other way around? :)
nice to hear from you again! :D
James called it freedom stick in one of his posts. It could be, too, for you.
The surreality of the smoke you were discussing nudged me, for I felt like you were just around puffing that haze in my face. Whatever it is that bothers you, I'm a friend, you know where to find me. Just in case it becomes all unbearable.
@green breaker
let's smoke when we meet soon, shall we? i know peterpauper/boybakulaw did when we downed a couple of red horses from several moons back. lol
@gillboard
oo nga eh. i wrote that several nights ago, back when i was very sad and smoking. anyway, it's nice to be back. it's always nice to be back in the blogosphere. :)
@nyl
why do i always say things that's on your head? lol anyway, oo nga, yosi pa! see you real soon, kaibigan! :)
@raymond
probably? i just think sometimes we can't really say what we want, so we just use our actuations to realize what we really wish for in our lives. i think.
Yes, nafifeel ko rin yan ngayon. Minsan kasi pag sinabi as, nawawala yung most of what is meant to be said.
Kakamustahin lang kita. Long time no blog =)
A friend once told me that to smoke a cigarette is a wish for death. I said to smoke a cigarette is an extinguished wish to live. LOL.
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