Monday, August 8

courage.

because i need to take a breather from the madness of it all, i will momentarily sever my ties with monotony and revisit my penchant for emotional clutter.

how are you?

it's heart-warming to know that you are okay.

me? well, i really can't tell.

what is being okay really? is it being subdued by your knowledge that life is perfect, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, and your mug is brimming with beer froth?

if that is the standard for adequate happiness, then i clearly digress from the mold: so i must be truthful to you and own up to my misery.

i find perfect sense, nowadays, in the regularity of being submerged underneath the suffocating cloud of law books and jurisprudence, but during days when the monotony becomes unbearable and my brain bleeds from constantly being beaten to the pulp, i look at the scars on my hands, and i think:

are these hands capable of the greater task that lies ahead? are they capable of sustaining more wounds and shedding more blood for the dream that is incapable of death?

or am i merely duping myself into believing that this is the path that i am destined to tread?

law school, thus far, has sifted out from my soul the duality of my innate frailty and my long-forgotten capacity for optimism. for during dark days when my own humanity incapacitates me to continue trudging forward, i am reminded of why my life, for countless times before, had silently imploded right before my eyes.

but during days when my spirit is indefatigable and i see light in even the darkest of nights, i am buoyed by my knowledge that even when i think it to be impossible, i am, after all, still capable of optimism.

at this point, i am uncertain as to whether the stars will align for me, or if the universe has laid down a path that is unknown to me yet. and i know i do not have the most persevering spirit, but when my heart tells me to keep moving forward, i am in no position to argue against what it wills me to do.

for when death devours my soul and there is nothing left to cling on to for redemption but hope, i know my heart will reattach my broken pieces back and whisper to me the words that will give me courage.

13 comments:

Spiral Prince said...

Vlad, did something happen? I forgot to say something to you last time. I intend to intrude upon your hospitality and your doorstep once more, if only to discuss the mundane, and to veer away from the prosaic.

claudiopoi said...

anytime! hehe. :) pero err, subject to the the demands of school and what-not. :P

how are you, clit? hehe

the green breaker said...

Clyde.. hmm. I've never known you personally and neither do we communicate often.. I just wish that whatever you may be going through right now, you got to hold on to what is right. Quitting school won't mean achievement either, right? I mean, what else can be in store for you? You just got to understand the nature of things, and work with how to go along with those. Pray. God keep you.

the green breaker said...

Clyde.. hmm. I've never known you personally and neither do we communicate often.. I just wish that whatever you may be going through right now, you got to hold on to what is right. Quitting school won't mean achievement either, right? I mean, what else can be in store for you? You just got to understand the nature of things, and work with how to go along with those. Pray. God keep you.

ıǝɹɯɐı said...

just keep moving forward. everything will unfold in God's time:)

claudiopoi said...

iamrei:

that is the plan sir. i must sustain. :)

josh:

salamat. in all fairness, quitting is never an option for me. because fact is, i am drawn to the sadomasochist dimension of it all. hehe.

the torment is both scathing and gratifying, it's just that, i have to keep faith and constantly remember that in God's time, everything will fall into its rightful place.

salamat, kaibigan.

xallthethird said...

Well, "How are you?"

Don't let doubt get to you. It can only hinder your progress. Tread the paththat is laid in front of you and expect there are signs and instructions that you will read along the way.

:)

gillboard said...

clyde, you are where you're supposed to be. the challenges you're going through is just there to make your journey more interesting.

for sure this chapter's ending is going to be fruitful. no matter how long it's going to be. :)

Manech said...

There are always shitty days Claudiopoi. But I think you'll do just fine. :)

claudiopoi said...

gillboard,

salamat, kaibigan. i am not losing hope naman. to the contrary nga, i am challenged even more. :)

manech!

i miss reading you! hehe :) anyway, i hope magdilang-anghel ka, kasi trying hard kung trying hard na ako sa school. hehe. see you soon! :)

Anonymous said...

If you quit, I quit. That's all. You're my anchor, and the one who keeps me semi-sane in school, minus your bouts of disappearance. :P -Mingkay

citybuoy said...

You're smarter than all of this, Clyde. I think you may be smarter than law school. But we must own the paths we choose. Blogs will always be here when the world seems dark. :)

Tandaan lang na dapat may balance sa buhay. At tandaan din na ang mga tala ay ating gabay lamang. Meron tayong tinatawag na free will. Gamitin natin to.

Char.

ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ said...

the stars are always aligned just in configurations synchronistic in ways other than our expectation.

i agree with nyl. if you stay in law school, own it. i whined myself through the first year myself and after that, i accepted it and had a blast doing other things with my spare time.