the inevitable abandon.

they keep asking me what triggered it, because i was with him when it had finally caught up with him.

and most times, i just shrug them off, and tell them that perhaps, this was an inevitability. that all of us are doomed in the end, because mortality is something that we need to confront as we age. but deep in my heart, i know when it happened, because i am convinced that i was the first to witness his surrender.

it was early evening, the distinct aroma of escabeche wafted in the room, and i was in my own, impenetrable bubble, hammering away for my online employer.

all of a sudden, the distinct sound of shattered glass sliced through the uneventful silence that night. i looked at where the sound came from, and there i saw him -- the glass had apparently slithered from his grip, and he lay there motionless, his eyes empty, and his ethos, that of a defeated man.

from then on, he spiraled downwards -- it started with his loss of locomotor skills, then his speech abandoned him, until finally, he regressed back into infancy.

my grandfather, at age 84, had just been engulfed by senility.

prior to writing this, i had a clear idea of what i wanted to write about: i wished to describe him down to his littlest endearments. how he looks for example, or how he is passionate about world war two and manny pacquiao, or how very lovingly he prepares his sliced papaya fruits for dinner, or how he always beams with pride when he tells his friends that one of his grandchildren is the batch valedictorian.

but each time i attempt to muster the adjectives that can paint a clear picture of him, i fail to do so -- because apparently, love is a beautiful abstraction, and words, sometimes, are never sufficient to encapsulate the dictates of the heart.

but one day, just as i was rummaging through his things, i found my heart silently weeping after it had seen how his affections were reduced to a few belongings that he had kept hidden from all of us.

being one to be drawn by sentimentality, he had a lot of items stacked in his room: on that day, I saw his favorite hammer on top of his drawer, a blue ball cap that was hanging in his graying wall, a vietnamese hat that my mom got him from bohol, a solar-powered flashlight that rested on a monobloc chair, a walking cane beside his bed, and empty bottles of menthol rubs that were just strewn in disarray.

he also had a wooden box that he oftentimes kept locked. but this time, it was unlocked. i carefully pulled the lid open and peeked inside.

what instantly caught my eye was a packet of papers that was wrapped in plastic.

when i meticulously loosened the packet from the rubber bands that kept it intact, i saw the two most beautiful things:

a yellowing love letter from my grandmother before she passed;

and the kindergarten test paper, dated 1990, of a cousin that had a perfect score.

lolo, even when most people think otherwise, i believe you can still come back. i love you, and we miss you so much.

because without our memories, we are nothing.

last weekend, after five long years of busily living our lives away from home, our family was complete once again.

the brother who slaved away two years of his life in dubai, the other brother who is now pursuing a geothermal engineering career in the metropolis, and the sister who spends her days and nights nursing the inconsolable and the medically miserable in cebu finally went home.

naturally, what ensued was a mayhem that we have not tasted for those five longing years. love, apparently, is fleeting and evasive altogether -- but all it needs is an ignition, a memory, and once stoked to its full form, it rushes back to the sensibilities.

last sunday, we spent the entire day melted by the sun's warmth, bathed by the blue waters of the loving sea, and engulfed by the childhood stories and life anecdotes that we have collectively gathered and called our very own.

and right in the middle of the beautiful ruckus, in the unguarded moment when one simply feels, sees, and tastes the bliss of childhood abandon, i mused about:

how we are all really transient beings. that there is no definitive label as to who we really are. yes, we are defined by constructed standards -- we have our identities -- but more than these trivialities, we are defined by our memories, our collectivity, and our shared sense of identity.

our memories, of happy and loving days, and most especially that we are all inclined to romanticize the past, remind us that once upon a time, happiness was within reach.

for in the midst of the chaos that surrounds us as we try to make our own niche in the vastness of the world, our memories keep us grounded and remind us of who we truly are -- that in the midst of family, the world is ours for the taking, and there is nothing that can hinder us from becoming what the universe has intended for us to become.

yes, it is easy to get lost in the trappings of the world, and our very identities are oftentimes compromised by the fluidity of living, but when we are reminded of our childhood bliss -- of days spent frolicking under the sun, nights dedicated to reminiscing stories of days and nights that have since passed, and summers spent being sun-kissed and not minding that sun burns will scar the skin – we are reminded of what satiates the yearnings of the heart.

and even when our very mortality inevitably makes the flesh wither and perish, our memories will forever be infinitesimal -- and they will be our validation that once upon a time, when happiness was abundant and life was less doleful, we were in the midst of love, and love was as trivial as the morning dew, or the first flower that blooms in spring.

yes, we are all transient beings -- but having the best travellers around can make the lack of permanance less scathing.

para kay mami at papi.

wedding anniversary ng magulang ko bukas. nag-isip ako kanina ng malupit na regalo, pero wala akong maisip na 'best gift' ika nga para sa kanilang 32nd wedding anniversary. kaya dahil namumulubi ako at ang tangi kong maiaambag sa kanila ay ang mga blogs ko (oo, ganung katindi ang poverty level ngayon), ililista ko nalang ang mga rason kung bakit sobrang nagpapasalamat ako at sila ang mga magulang ko. hetowz na powz:

1. maswerte ako dahil kahit sobrang tagal na nilang mag asawa ay iswit pa din sila sa isa't-isa. yung tipong naghoholding hands pa kapag nasa public, mahilig mag PDA, at may kutob akong active pa din sila... sa facebook! yung mga iniisip mo ha! kasi nga naman, madaming mga technomorons na mga tanderbirds ngayon, pero silang dalawa, sige pa din sila ng sige sa pag-uupdate ng fezbuk status nila at pagpapalit ng lingguhang profile picture. madalang na ang ganyang mga couple ngayon, kaya salamat po sa enyo mga magolang ko!

2. corollary to number one, masaya din ako kasi kahit may katandaan na sila at puti na ang buhok nila pareho, ay nakukuha pa nilang magbigayan ng lab leters sa isa't isa. pramis! minsan nga, dahil burara sila minsan sa mga lab leters na yan, ay nababasa pa namin sa kung saan-saang lugar sa bahay. yung pinaka-recent na nabasa ko ay galing kai mudraks, at nasa altar namin ito (inalay?). sabi nya sa letter nya: 'when i don't feel important to you anymore, i feel like the only color is gray, the sky is starless, and lamp posts have no light.' san ka pa? feeling ko nga kaya ako naging ganito ka emo, ay dahil nasa nature and nurture ko na eh. kaya sila ang may kasalanan kung bakit messed up much si claudiopoi ngayon. joke!

3. halos lahat ng mga kaibigan ko at kaibigan ng magulang ko ay nagcocomment na goodlooking daw kameng lahat na mga magkakapatid. ehem ehem. syempre, dapat nasa front seat ako palagi pagdating sa mga pagcocomment na ito. hahaha! ekchweli, nagpapasalamat ako sa genes ng magulang ko, kasi kahit madalas akong mapagkamalang sri lankan (bakit sri lanka sa lahat ng mga bansa sa middle east? bakeeeeeeet?), ay kamukha ko naman daw si jerecho. naka naman. turtle mode na ito, at buhatan na ng sariling bahay. nyahahaha!

4. apart from number three, syempre kasama na din sa genes ang pagiging likas na matalino ng mga supling nila. puro kasi accountants ang mga magulang ko, at pareho din silang valedictorian sa elementary at hayskul, at cum laude pa nung grumadweyt sa kolehiyo. hong lopot dobo? kahit na minsan ay matatayog ang mga expectations ng mga tao sa aming mga magkakapatid, keri lang, kasi nga meron namang genetic basis ang pagiging achiever namen (kuno!). kahit na di ko na-inherit ang talento ng erpats ko sa matematika, at least nakuha ko naman ang pagiging writer ni ermats. solb na ako dun. ibaon na sa limot yang potang let x na yan!

5. syempre pa, sobrang pasasalamat ko din at grabe ang sipag ng magulang ko. kapag hindi sila nagsipag sa pag-aaral dati, siguro anak din ako ng mangingisda sa masbate tulad ng isang uncle ko, o di kaya ng isang majongerang auntie ko na pang-UAAP na yata ang skills sa pagsusugal. working students si dad and mom (naks, susyal amp) nung nasa kolehiyo pa lang sila -- si erpat ay janitor, at si ermat naman ay secretary ng college dean nila dati. naging presidente si daddy sa working students circle, at si mommy naman ay kanyang butihing vice-president. ayun, nagbunga din ang panlalandi nila sa mga org meetings, at nakabuo din sila ng anim na matatabang baboy healthy kids.

6. di tulad ng ibang mga tatay jan, matatas ang mga aylabyus ng tatay ko. ekchweli, kahit na matigas na ang bone structure ko at bente sais na taon na akong nakikigulo sa mundong to, ay panay pa din ang paglalambing ni erpat (katulad ng pagca-cuddle sa bed at paghoholding hands sa kalsada). ako na nga lang minsan ang nahihiya sa kanya. pero ang prinsipyo nya pagdating sa pagiging tatay ay simple lamang: minsan lang daw tayo nabubuhay sa mundong ito, kaya kung may gusto kang gawin o sabihin sa mga mahal mo, sabihin mo na ito, NOW NA! at saka, bata pa lang din siya nung namatay ang tatay nya, kaya sinabi nya sa sarili nya na dapat hindi nya ipagkakait ang pagmamahal ng isang tatay sa mga magiging anak nya. sana maging katulad din ako ng tatay ko, pramis! kahit one-fourth lang, solb na ako dun!

7. grabe sila kung makabigay ng second chance. parang nakalimang second chance na yata ako sa kanila. nung una, binagsak ko ang math 17 ng dalawang beses, i mean tatlo. potang ina, sige na nga, apat na beses (social suicide much)! pero keri pa din nila. sabi nila, umalis ka nalang jan sa peyups at lumipat ka na sa silliman. tapos ayun, bilang isang masunuring bata, ginawa ko naman ang hiniling nila. nung nasa silliman na ako, panay liwaliw at bulakbol pa din ako, pero kahit na lumiit na ang utak ko dahil sa betsin at red horse overload, ay second chance pa rin sina mama at papa (parang soap opera lang, hihi). at ngayon, suportado pa nila ako sa pag-aabugasiya ko. haylabet! kung ibang magulang siguro, itinakwil na ako o di kaya ay iniwan sa gulf air passenger seat (sanggol?) pero buti nalang at hindi ganyan ang magulang ko. tenk yu berimats Lord!

8. laking pasasalamat ko din dahil sa sobrang pagka-relihiyoso ng magulang ko ay parang next in line yatang mabe-beatify ang erpat ko. sa isang linggo, dalawang beses kami kung magsimba. tapos kada sunday pa, may family rosary kami at 7 pm. tapos nun, bible study. tapos nun, may endearing quality chuva pa kami (yung i-aafirm mo yung lahat ng myembro ng family, kasama ang mga helpers namen, with something na ginawa nila na nakapagpasaya sayo nung week na yun). at syempre pa, ang pamatay na weekly family meetings namin. oo, kurak. si tatay ang nagpepreside (dati kasi siyang manager sa past employer nya), at si nanay naman ang taga sulat ng minutes of the meeting. naalala ko pa nga dati, akala ko ay nagjojoke lang si erpat nung sinabi nyang kailangan naming isulat ang aming mga new year's resolutions sa isang bond paper -- pero watch out, totoo pala itey. hindi nya ako binigyan ng allowance ng isang linggo hangga't hindi ako nagcocomply. daig pa nya ang mga majors ko nung college, ganyanan lang ang drama nya!

9. eto ang sobrang personal sa akin: sobrang pasasalamat ko sa kanila at pinalayas nila ako nung 2008. ekchweli, alam ko namang patapon ang buhay ko nung mga panahong yun. panay alak lang ang laman ng tiyan ko, umuuwi ako ng lasing halos gabi-gabi, at madalas akong nagta-time space warp kapagka nalalasing. sabi ng erpat ko: hanggang [insert date here] ka nalang sa bahay na to, kasi isa kang malaking kahihiyan sa alta nating pamilya. chos! pero totoo, pinalayas ako sa bahay, at sa cebu na ako na-ispatang muli. habang andun ako, nagnilay-nilay naman ako sa mga kaganapan ng buhay ko, at naisip ko dun na shet, bakit kailangan akong itakwil ng mga magulang ko na okay naman sana silang mga magulang. opo, ate charo, na-realize kong dapat kong baguhin ang ugali ko at akoy malapit ng tumungtong sa trenta. putakels. (jepoy, eternity)

kaya ayun. mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal ko ang magulang ko, at dahil 32 years na and pagniniig nila sa akwatro ng nobyembre, gusto ko lang silang batiin ng happy, happy, happy anniversary! alam kong hindi kayo masyadong natutuwa sa akin ngayon at sa mga bad decisions na ginawa ko as of late (archaic english?), pero i promise you: 'this is not the real deal yet.' (claudiopoi, 2008) gagalingan ko ang pag-aabugasiya neksyir, at kahit papano, sisikapin kong maging katulad nyo sa isip, sa salita, at sa gawa. chos.

eto si jolina at si marbin oh.

isa pang stolen paparazzi shot.

aylabyoo parents!