Tuesday, April 5

ensnared by.

these days, when the long and dragging spell of boredom often ensnares me, i start to question who i really am.

i know that we are defined by constructed standards: i know my name, where i live, how old i am, and what i will be doing this june.

but on the metaphysical level, on the plane which i cannot really qualify nor quantify -- on the world that does not pay heed to flesh, and names, and addresses, and university courses -- i do not know who i really am.

growing up, i think, i have not always had a clear picture of who i was.

mostly, i conform to what people think of me, or how they want me to be. in front of my parents, i always see to it that they deem me fit to be their son. sometimes, even when i know it is superfluous, i feign religiosity. i try to wake up for breakfast. i try to talk like a good older brother. and i always strive to have proper behavior.

but does that really define me, or am i allowing myself to be defined by their frigid standards?

in front of friends, i am the cool guy who drinks, and smokes, and curses, and adapts well to all sorts of people. i can crack jokes pretty good. and i am loved by them. but when i am alone, with only my thoughts to keep me company, i often ask myself: is this who i really am?

i know it's too early for me to be gobbled alive by all these existentialist queries, and that i ought to reserve all these life questions when i get older, say when i turn 50, but i can't help it. perhaps this is my attempt at deciphering why, during unguarded moments, i often get sentimental and inconsolably sad.

i know that the novelty of sentimental and emotional sorrow wanes as one ages, but i think mine will drag on for longer than usual.

i think i need rescuing.

but i do not know from what,
or by whom.

16 comments:

Desperate Houseboy said...

Manage to smile once in a while. Wag masyado magisip. Pero kung nature mo yan, meron pa isa solusyon, pray. :)

claudiopoi said...

salamat sa kind words, sir. ewan ko ba. it's just one of those days. when everything starts piling up, and i just snap.

pero in any case, thanks for the kind words.

Mu[g]en said...

Man is a rope, tied between beast and overman--a rope
over an abyss. A dangerous across, a dangerous on-the-way,
a dangerous looking-back, a dangerous shuddering and
stopping. What is great in man is that he is a bridge and
not an end: what can be loved in man is that he is an overture
and a going under. I love those who do not know how to
live, for they are those who cross over.

Friedrich Nietzsche,
Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Xall Percé said...

Knowing who you really are will take time. Just go with the flow, and along the way, you'll discover bits and pieces of yourself that you don't know before.

Don't be afraid to conform with other people but trust your instinct or your gut feel if you're going too far just to please others.

Nimmy said...

happy thoughts! happy thoughts! try to keep yourself busy kuya para hindi ka mag-emo. try cross stitching! chos. :)

Eternal Wanderer... said...

very interesting.

i wrote something along this line.

ʎonqʎʇıɔ said...

matagal na tong di nangyayari pero naluha ako sa sinabi mo. it's like you pulled the words out of my head- bago ko pa man sila isipin.

minsan, iniisip ko masaya mastranded on an island. tipong cast away ha, hindi lost where may threat of death. that way, i'd get to know who i really am.

sadly, the world has run short of heroes. and so we flail clumsily in the water hoping our little bursts of effort would bring us closer to the shore.

be well, papa. :)

claudiopoi said...

mugen, so our very humanity is defined by transitions? :) gusto ko ang profoundness. kaya thanks for that.

xall, thanks for the kind words, man. yes, i often do that. but i think, at times, i often feel so minute. and the world is so vast. and i need to adapt. adapting sometimes means compromising. and compromising at times leads to self-isolation. :|

nimmy, ikaw na ang bursting with life, color, and love sa aking madilim na blog. haha. :) miss your comments, nimmy! regards sa juwa mo. hehe :D

ternie, i read it na. and gave a comment. i followed you pala. very interesting entries. :)

nyl! i guess it's because we share the same experiences? :) pero diba? these days, i just spend most of my free time trying to articulate the nuances of my genuine self. sometimes kasi, when you've compromised so much, you can't help but lose your own sense of self.

yesterday, i went to this lake in negros, and it was beautiful. i almost cried, because i felt like, for the first time, my heart breathed. enough emo-ness. hehe. :) hope you are well always, friend!

Manech said...

This post resonated so much, Claudiopoi. On my end, I settled with the thought that we are always in flux, and to pin down who or what we are misses the point of being human, because it simplifies.

BTW, this post feels so raw, which is always a good thing.

claudiopoi said...

manech,

that means so much, especially coming from you. the reason why i wanted to cry while writing this post was because the simple question of 'who am i?' branched out into more profound questions.

such as: if ever i have compromised so many times already, then am i still capable of sincerity?

that if i did things because i wanted to meet people's expectations, then it must mean that i have been farcical all my life.

without our innate passions, we become generics, fakes, and fakers altogether.

your comment is greatly appreciated. i hope you are always well, friend. :)

Itsyaboykorki said...

take a bite its alright :]

claudiopoi said...

yes, it definitely is alright. :)

VICTOR said...

Dial 911. Now.

claudiopoi said...

VICTOR!

i missed you! :) ikaw ba yung nagcomment dun sa isa kong sellout na blog? HAHA :))

Lalaking Palaban said...

A people pleaser.

claudiopoi said...

yes sir. that, i am.