every year, I always get optimistic, especially if it's the first day.
i know that resolutions are so cliche, and that we can easily will ourselves to become better in any given day, but to be back on square one is always the best time to try to streamline our lives and strive to become better persons.
for me, there is always something redemptive in clean slates, and everything depends on our resolve to sustain what our resolutions will be, and not be wishy-washy in trying to incorporate these newfound learnings in our lives.
i was thinking of a good resolution for 2011, and after scanning my room for a short while, it was obvious what i needed to do with my life for this year.
my fan was on. the night light was illuminating my room at one in the afternoon. the radio commentator was busy chattering away about the latest political ruckus involving the mayor and city funds that were allegedly squandered by his minions in the city council. my bathroom CR's light was turned on. and all this while i was tucked comfortably in bed, lost in my thoughts and wandering away with my new year musings.
then the resolution that i needed became so lucid i was convinced i could feel how palpable it was if i attempted to touch it with my bare hands.
i need to assess what i really want in life. no, N E E D is more apt.
for right in that room, i was wasting electricity away, and i did not even need the night light, the radio's incessant noise, nor the CR's illumination.
not only was i wasting electricity, but the benefits that these items could potentially bring me were not that optimized, because i was not fully aware that they were even there. i just let them be. i lorded over these inanimate objects just because i had the capacity to.
of course, there was a need for this to transcend.
i've realized that for the year that was, most of my grief came from the fact that my emotional investments were, for the most part, diffused. i've invested in certain people, irrespective of how intense or negligible they were, and most times, i've been distressing about how they reciprocated my emotions. i was a complete scatterheart, if ever there is a term, and my emotional state was largely dependent on these few scattered people.
the end result was of course tragic: i ended up not loving any one the way one deserves to be loved, and i did not feel the intensity of their emotions because i was too busy looking for other people to love, or hurt -- whichever is more apt.
for this year, i will try to look for what i TRULY need.
in my room, it's only the electric fan, to keep me from being melted by the sun's heat.
and in my life, it's that one single person who i can love, and who can love me unconditionally as well.