Saturday, November 6

free-writing on this random afternoon.

for the past three days, i have not had decent sleep.

i close my eyes at 11, but i know that i am just fooling myself, because sleep has become so evasive, and my thoughts are in constant disarray. before i know it, our rooster is already up and awake, everyone is preparing for work, and i am already a mess at six in the morning.

in my past life, I once read in reader's digest that a restful sleep can be feigned by just resting your eyes. that even when you don't fall into deep sleep but your eyes are closed for a minimum of nine hours, then you are fine.

but i am not fine.

i get cranky each time. because my head hurts. my eyes are red. and my temper flares at just the smallest of things.

what is wrong with me?

and even when i get excited because at least this exhaustion may possibly translate into my early sleeping later on in the night, i get disappointed each time.

because it's like my body is exhausted, yes, but it does not tire of exhaustion. it just wants to be tired, but it is incapable of tiring away this tiredness.

what is bothering me? and why are my thoughts this rebellious?

perhaps, it is the thought that finally, after 10 long years of procrastination and over-indulgent exploits, my life has a semblance of order.

yes, it took me over 10 years to finally finish college (but i worked for four years in certain periods of this time frame) -- but after finally having earned my stamp of academic finality through my college diploma, i am again venturing out into another journey.

law school awaits.

i remember that every time someone asked me before what i wanted to become when i grow up, my instant answer was: to be a lawyer. my kindergarten, elementary, and high school yearbooks are testaments to this boyish arrogance of law being tailor-suited for me.

and deep within the trappings of my heart, i know that this passion still burns within me. that this is the only remnant of that once arrogant and bullish young dreamer who has already been broken to the world. that it is my only connection to the little boy who has since been heartbroken, soul-ripped, and disenchanted with the futility of promises.

perhaps, this anxiety stems from lingering questions that constantly plague me:

can i really slug it out and complete it within four years?
am i still capable of challenging my brain and pushing it to its limits?
have i really learned to be disciplined and can i temper my innate laziness?

am i good enough?

even when i long for simplicity in my life situations right now, i know that i am secretly scared with the prospect of establishing order in my life. for 26 years, chaos has been the constant theme of my life. but i loved this chaos. it was chaos that was organized. chaos that was esoteric to me. and above all, it was my chaos.

but right now, i feel as though i am slowly being channeled into a path that has a distinct finish line and a definite end goal.

and because of this, i am both petrified and excited. inherently anxious, but perennially optimistic.

i just hope i am good enough.

16 comments:

ʎonqʎʇıɔ said...

of course, you're good enough. and not because i know you personally because i don't haha idk something tells me you'd be really good at it.

peace freaks me out. i was once asked if i had to spend the rest of my life forever asleep or forever awake, i found myself shuddering at the latter. after years of looking for peace, i find myself asking what's next? what great feat awaits me now. the creepiest thing is when a voice answers there is nothing left.

off topic much?

Will said...

ohcomeon Claudio. We know you're good enough to survive law school. And we know you will be a great lawyer someday.

and about sa insomnia mo: I don't think feigning sleep by resting your eyes would work, coz based on experience, it really doesn't. I can suggest na lang: eat a banana and drink a warm glass of milk before going to sleep (nasabi ko na yata sau to)... hehe

asiong32 said...

hey man, you're not alone...i mean i do get cranky too every time i dont get enough sleep. in my line of work i dont usually get enough sleep all the time...but you know what, who cares, go out, have some fun, enjoy life, travel, meet friends, explore and get to experience things..."you'll sleep when you're dead"

reagrding about your axieties or your fears about the future? relax! chill man...just handle the present and future will take care of itself...you know, when i was a kid i always wanted to be a film maker...i always do up until now and you wanted to be a lawyer...so if you have the opportunity to pursue that dream then go for it! the question is not how good you are but how bad do you really want it? four years you said? i know you'll be alright. as you've mention: the passion still burns within you...keep it burning!

your new friend:
asiong32.blogspot.com

claudiopoi said...

citybuoy: i think the reason why peace petrifies us so much is the possibility of another rupture lurking within the periphery. there's something diabolical with peace, because for the most part, i think we have been broken to the truth that if things are too good to be true, then it's about to break our heart. nyai. mas off topic ako. hehe :)

will: seryoso. natatakot ako sa mga naiisip ko. na para bang i want to believe na kaya ko. kaso ive disappointed myself and a few people in the past na kasi. so may mga lingering questions ako na: what if im inevitably destined for failures? scary much. pero salamat sa tips mo. hehe. matry ko nga yan. hm. or better yet, bigyan mo nalang kaya ako ng libro. :p

asiong: kaibigan, salamat naman sa words of wisdom mo. totoo yang sinabi mo. because through time, we have the tendency to forget our heart's inner passions, kaya sometimes, it is essential that we revisit them so we can be reminded of who we used to be, and what we ought to become. pursue mo yang pagiging film director na yan! gusto ko din yan dati eh. hehe :) anyway, in-add na din kita sa blogroll ko, and im looking forward to reading more of your posts in the future. :)

Andy said...

Believe in the power of your dreams.

DREAM. BELIEVE. SURVIVE. STARTSTRUCK!

emo nanaman? heto pambatok ko sayo. hehehe

claudiopoi said...

andy: magtigil ka! haha :) actually, kahit na gustuhin ko mang maging masaya, hindi talaga eh. kaya ayun. organic sadness ang naganap. :) habol ka sa kanila sa ortigas! mukhang masaya sila ngayon dun. hehe :)

KikomaxXx said...

pwede magbisaya... nosebleed ako... pero kaya mo yan tol... ikaw pa.. kinain mo na ata yung complete series ng constitution... meron ba nun... wahehhe basta... kasi pagsinabing mong di mo kaya susunod talaga ang katawan mo sa takot... pero pagsinabi mong kaya mo vise versa ang.. basic... at tested and proven ko yan...

claudiopoi said...

totoo.

kaso lang, ang dami ko na kasing failures sa buhay eh. ayokong isipin na ganun, pero siguro kailangang sumagi din sa isip ko yun para naman ma-avoid kong mangyari yun. ayun. icocontrol ko nalang ang natural instincts ko ng katamaran, etc.

btw, ang kulit ng kanta ng blog mo. rosel nava talaga ito! haha :D

glentot said...

We all feel like failures. Some people fail in more obvious ways than others do but at the end of the day we all feel like we let ourselves down. It's not a good feeling but it isn't the worst either. I have learned to calm myself during my darkest hours simply by not caring anymore. I value how I see myself, the goals I set and how people see me, but I don't let it cause sleepless nights... Just chill :)

I don't care that much probably because I think (or hope) that the end of the world is near. Ahahaha.

glentot said...

May pinost akong comment dito na mahaba, nabura ko ata, hindi ko na maalala ang sinabi ko so I'll just say go get 'em kid!

claudiopoi said...

glentot, first of all, i think we would all be emancipated if the world's end would happen sooner than later -- parang the great equalizer kasi ang armageddon eh. poor or rich, successful or not, patay lahat. kaya eto na yata ang superlative ng crab mentality. haha! :D

second, salamat sa words of encouragement. sana talaga makayanan ko to. alam kong it's so much easier to just be convinced that i can weather all this, and that my plans will materialize. kaso lang kasi kapag masyado ka nang nasasanay sa failures, parang you get to question your capacity to rise above your weaknesses and your propensity for failing. na para bang, what if you have been ingrained, slowly, with being an inevitable failure, pero in denial ka lang?

ganyan yung naiisip ko, kasi i've let myself down so many times before. kaya i am always cynical about what i might do in the future. precedence plays a big role kasi in the determination of how something will pan out.

heniwei, tama na ang kadramahang to. at salamat sa magigiting mong words. sana magkita tayo this december! :D

glentot said...

Yep yep I'll be around. I'm helping YJ out with his production number paglapag mo sa airport. You're gonna shitttttt!

claudiopoi said...

watda! waaaaaaaaaaaaaag! shy pa naman ako sa personal. alak nalang, para hindi na maging shy! bwahahaha! see you! dadalhan ko kayo ng danggit at dried mangoes para true to the probinsyano colors ang magaganap! hihihi :D

Jepoy said...

perennially optimistic..

NOSE BLEED MUCH!!!

mag google translate muna ko...Tapos saka na ko mag co-comment ulet.. JOKEEEEEEEEEEEE

claudiopoi said...

hoy jepoy, free-writing nga ito! hindi pa din kasi ako magaling magsulat sa tagalog. nakikigaya lang ako sayo kasi ikaw ang basehan ng mga humor blogs. wahihihihi! :D

Carlo said...

pare, inom na natin yan.