Friday, June 22

drunk writing.

growing up, i've always known i was different.

in school, in family reunions, in family gatherings, i've always felt like the odd one out -- always somewhere, but never really anywhere. for years on end, the reason for this self-perceived peculiarity has always eluded me, but lately, i think i know what my problem is.

while most people are hardwired to always think of the future, of what's the next adventure, tryst or happening, i prefer to live in my past. when i was in college, i did not care about what was to come later on in my life. sure, i always convinced myself that i will become a lawyer someday, but i did not frame my short- and long-term plans. i refused to yield to the demands of growing up, because being in the university was more than enough for me.

i had my friends, my beer, my cigarettes and my bliss. i shuddered at the prospect of leaving what was familiar because i did not know what jungle waited for me outside the university.

but i later on realized that this penchant for idealizing the was proved fatal in the end. for while it is true that life is fleeting and it passes us by without us even noticing it sometimes, the pain of departure is so much more magnified for someone who tries to cling on to it despite its transient realness. my friends left me, the university outgrew me, and i was left alone with my beer and my cigarettes -- solitary and pensive as i tried to revisit the fond memories of my younger days.
  
as a human being, i should have known that to live is to constantly be in flux and that it should always accede to the next logical episode. but i am more arrogant than this, and even when it proved to be destructive in the end, i still chose to cling on to those hollow remnants of the past -- so much so that sometimes, i suspended the now to revisit the psychedelic days of my younger self.

this partly explains why it took me more than 4 years to finish college, because instead of being prospective in my direction, i chose to digress and constantly look back.
  
prior to entering law school, i crafted a pact with myself to discard this destructive habit. i vowed to be prospective and conjure a semblance of order in the big mess that has become my life. in theory, that made perfect sense, but life does not operate that way, and i had to be reminded of this reality the hard way.
  
a close friend once told me that he lives by the wisdom of al pacino, especially when the man said, in a movie, that the now is an accumulation of what-has-beens, and any act that we've done in the past, whether life-changing or insignficant, affects our future. in my mind, i related this to karma and the fact that this universe never lets you get away with anything. you do something bad now, it will haunt you in a year or two years' time. you try to improve your lot now, no matter how difficult, and the universe will reward you not long from that moment.

i admit that i'm not proud of what i've done in my past. there was a turbulent episode in my life when all hope seemed to be lost, and my existence was hanging by a flimsy and fragile thread that was constantly at the risk of breaking. during my lost days, i've kissed numerous lips, ripped hearts out, and broke the souls of others. i lived with abandon, and i did not care what other people thought because caring was pointless when nothing seemed to matter anymore. when you feel as though you've lost your cause, you start to think that life exists just because it does, it is bereft of purpose and it does not deserve introspection.
  
now that i'm in law school, i've experienced my friend's karmic life philosophy firsthand. even when i know that deep inside i am not a bad person, the past continues to chain me down and remind me that once upon a time, i was a horrible person. and when i try to convince people that i've since outgrown that directionless person, at the back of their minds, they continue to be doubtful.

in retrospect, all these seem ironic. back when i used to hold on to the shadows of my past, i felt like i was neither here nor there. i did not exist, for i just opted to live. but now that i wish to move on from my past monsters, it perennially comes to life to haunt me and humiliate my efforts to becoming a better person. it's taxing to say the least, but i won't give up trying. besides, if i go by my friend's life principle, everything would turn out better in my next life episode. 
  
i just have to wait to find out.

13 comments:

carloangelo said...

There's always something in your posts that get to my very core. I don't know if it's because I find your posts relatable or if I'm just equally melodramatic (although I can't articulate it as good as you can).

I'm a big fan. I came across your blog about 3 weeks ago and I'm glad I did.

claudiopoi said...

@carloangelo,

salamat sa pagbisita, ser. sana mabasa din kita. :)

carloangelo said...

Hindi po ako nagsusulat Ser. I'm not good enough. Plus, it was never my passion to do so.

Nag-eenjoy lang po ako sa pagbabasa. Siguro dahil I was different growing up. I guess you are what I secretly wanted to be.

I stood by the rules. I was so concerned about what other people would think about me. I was locked in the four corners of my safe, little world. I never stepped outside that box.

charles. said...

First time I've read your blog and I already have a new favorite blogpost. Haha

carloangelo said...

Hindi ako nagsusulat ser. I'm not good enough and I guess I don't have the passion for it.

I guess you were secretly what I wanted to be growing up. I was a rule-freak. I was too worried about what other people would think about me. I kept myself comfortable inside the four corners of my own safe, little world.

You calling me ser reminded me of my ex. Wala lang, sorry if my sharing that was unwarranted.

ray said...

"the odd one out -- always somewhere, but never really anywhere."

i'm one who also lives in the past. mali ba? i see the future but i just can't seem to move forward. i share the same sadness.

been reading your blog for quite a while. though this is my first time to comment. nice play with words. nice posts!

claudiopoi said...

@carloangelo,

you have no idea how fucked up my four corners are. blogging is my only channel. without it, i'd probably be floating somewhere right now. true story.

@charles,

salamat sa words sir. and sa pagfollow din pala sa twitter. hehe.

@ray,

thank you sir. and comment ka lang ng comment. :)

ray said...

"they say that time has an uncanny ability of deconstructing what used to be familiar, and in your mind, you can only ask:

is it because they have changed, or is it because you have?"

minsan nasulat ko rin how people come and go; of how i've been longing to bring back the past day after day. hayy.. ika nga ng coldplay, "oh, take me back to the start..." haha

remember your posts leaving and when i think of you? galing.

claudiopoi said...

sir @ray,

ikaw na ang nag back read. hehe. pabasa naman din ng blog mo sir! :)

ray said...

hahaha wag mo ko i-sir.. dapat nga ata eh tinatawag kitang 'kuya'. kuya poi? haha joke lang. XP

naaliw lang, may kalungkutan kasi mga posts mo kaya masaya. ironic yun ah.

meron ako dati, pero binura ko na rin. hehe di bale, pag naisipan ko ulit. :)

Kane said...

Claudiopoi, kamusta ka? I may not know the entire story behind your entry, but I hope things are better.

Wow, I didn't know you were a horrible person. Have you previously written about that? So ... just how horrible is horrible? *grins*

Lawyer-to-be, may the odds be ever in your favor.

Kane

claudiopoi said...

@ray,

pag naisipan mog magblog ulit, tell me, para makapag-follow naman ako. i hope to read more of your comments ser. :)

@kane,

i hope to write about that 'episode' soon. kaya lang naman ako nakakapagsulat ng ganito ay dahil hindi pa haggard salaw school. hopefully wala pa ding haggard element para makapagsulatulit. salamat sa pagbisita, ser. :)

♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ said...

I think all of us has these moments. I personally have some past memories I'd like to relive.

Hardcore emo man. \m/

And good luck on that future. It'll be great :D