Friday, June 10

what i really meant to say.

if in case i need to say it to you upfront so you can disabuse yourself from the thoughts that brew in your mind, then let this be the moment for my honesty:

when i told you i liked you, what i really meant to tell you was thank you for being good-mannered and kind to me. for during these days, when friendships have been ruptured and familial comfort has not been that comforting, it is in our friendship where i am perennially rescued from my miseries.

when i told you i liked you, what i really intended to say was i was lonely. yes, i am lonely because i have no one to call my own, and in the absence of someone who can make me feel special, i am drawn to whatever resembles it -- the smiles, the comfort, the warmth. but lest you end up thinking that i am desolate and desperate, please do not, because i know you have also felt and tasted the bitter pangs of being momentarily sad and lonely.

when i told you i liked you, what i really meant to say was although that night was tinged with sadness, i was even lonelier than its pitch black darkness. you of all people know that sadness has an uncanny way of altering the natural order of things, and in the onslaught of solitude, we often say things that we do not really mean.

when i told you i liked you, what i really wanted to tell you was i was a little intoxicated that night, and when the facade crumbled and red horse had loosened my lips from restraint, you suddenly appeared different before me -- and for the first time since we became friends, i found myself smiling just looking at you. but as with all things involving beer and altered phases, it was a moment of epiphany that would not sustain, and when alcohol was spirited away from my system, you were back to being my friend once again.

you see, when i told you i liked you, what i really meant to say was that sometimes, it's not really all about you -- because sometimes, it can also be about me. so you don't have to act all awkward and repelling, because trust me, i am also repulsed by desperation. it was just the conflation of circumstances that night, and with the infusion of beer and my penchant for saying stupid things, i was bound to say something that i would later on regret.

the least that you could have done was ask me why i told you i liked you that night -- and that would have spared me from the trouble of writing down my sadness for you.

17 comments:

the green breaker said...

magkaibigan parin ba kayo?

claudiopoi said...

oo naman, kid. fleeting moment lang yun. :)

Mac Callister said...

*hugs*

ayaw ko ng awkwardness ever!you'll get over it din soon...

gillboard said...

but then they say, beer makes people honest.

do you really need to explain what you said when that's what you meant?

Désolé Boy said...

Should there be a reason for everything we do, hence people tend to always fire the elusive "why?"
.
.
I like this. And by that, "what I really intended to say was" I can relate much. Hehe ;p

Jpy Dee said...

hi poi.

ramdam na ramdam kong itong entry na to. parang ako nga din ang nagsulat. parang kwento ko din except hindi ako nakainom. sober ako nung umamin ako sa kanya. unfortunately, mukhang hindi katulad ng ending mo ang ending namin. parang mas gusto kong hindi na kami maging magkaibigan. :)

goodluck and tc. :)

claudiopoi said...

@mac callister,

ako din naman sir, ayoko ng awkwardness. actually, isang gabi lang talaga yun. nawala na nung nawala din ang amats ko. hehe. :)

@gillboard,

neh, i think that differs on a case-to-case basis. yung sa akin, nagkataon lang talaga na parang ganun yung naramdaman ko. at saka alam ko naman if pangmatagalan or momentary emotional frailty lang ang nagaganap ser eh. :)

claudiopoi said...

@desole boy,

tahmuuuh! or nagets ko ba yung comment mo? LOL. anyway, there's always an underlying reason nga why we do the things we do or say the things we say. and wumi-witty ka sa last line ah. hehe :)

@jpy dee,

ai, happy for you ser. kaso yung akin talaga, panandalian lang yun. and wala din naman akong balak ipursue. kasi parang ang hirap pumasok sa isang relasyon na kalungkutan ang nag-udyok sayo para pasukin. kaya chill chill nalang muna at ienjoy ang single blessedness. hehe. :)

Popsy said...

:)
panu pag like ka din pala nung girl?
this post would sting for sure.
i like your post it's Honest!

Pop.. :)

IAMJOROSS said...

Nakaka-relate ako sa post mong to. May pinaghuhugutan ng damdamin to ;)

tim said...

atleast.. Hirap din sa ganitong kalagayan ano?

Peter said...

'conflation of circumstances' daw? Most likely you felt the moment too! Then backed away on the next.

claudiopoi said...

@popsy,

thank you ser. although, this was a post from my drafts. matagal na to. ngayon ko lang ni-post. hehe. :) so if may emotions man, ancient na siguro yun. hehe

@joross,

i know right? hehe :) oo nga, may pinanghuhugutan. red horse yata. lol

claudiopoi said...

@guyrony,

hindi kasi. basahin mo ulit. :)

@tim,

uhm, okay lang. hehe. :) momentary lang yun. nahirapan ako ng very slight for one slight second. lol

@peter,

hindi talaga sir. kasi if wagas at totoo ang naramdaman ko, i would pursue that love with all that i am and all that i have. pero hindi eh -- that must mean something. :)

claudiopoi said...

@nishiboy,

but sometimes things aren't always what they seem. emotions can be very deceptive, especially if your life is in disarray, and you subsist on little happinesses. i think. :)

glentot said...

Ako naman when I say "I like you" what I'm really saying is "You're stupid go fuck yourself." LOL... Seriously when I like a person (not LIKE as in crush or love kundi gusto ko talaga ang ugali nya dahil same wavelength kami) I don't tell them. Baka ma-misinterpret.

Leah said...

Awww.. awkward!

Ayan. Next time, wag masyadong maparami ng inum. Red horse pa naman yan, ang lakas sumipa. hehe.. Joke.