revisiting.

it's amazing how through time, we change without us even realizing that we have become different people.

sometimes, the demarcation of what used to be and what presently is becomes so pronounced that we even question: has it been that long?

i was in a pensive mood last night after the endless spell of boredom finally made me check my old friendster account. the distinction of who i used to be -- from my writing, pictures, and blog -- is a far cry from the jaded person that i am right now.

back then, promises weren't empty and a kiss was as sweet as the first flower that blooms in spring. i found myself scratching my head, partly in awe, after i reread what i wrote about me in my account.

after just two years, where has this person gone to?

about me:

• i live for the moment, knowing that somehow, the future is slowly realigning to make way for my happiness.
  
  i would like to believe that somehow, there is someone out there whose wishes are intertwined with mine, and whose dreams i alone can complete.
  
  i live each day in passivity, but i know that when the time is right and the stars realign to affirm my destiny, i will be in the arms of my soulmate, my lover, my bestfriend; and i know, i just do, that my sunrises and sunsets will be more magical than today.
  
  i yearn for someone who will love me for 5 days, 5 months, 5 years, or 50 years; someone who disregards time and only looks at the timelessness of my affection. someone who will move heaven and earth just to be with me; someone whose completeness i will complement and whose existence too, complements me.
  
  i long for someone who will still yearn for the sweetness of my lips even after a long day, or even during mornings when I myself cannot stand the stench of my breath. someone whose words are not empty promises, but are assurances that one day, someday, we will bask in the eternity of loving each other. someone who will patiently gather the fragments of my broken self each time i succumb to depression, and meticulously reattach the pieces without qualms or misgivings.
  
  perhaps it is a curse that i am forever destined to be a hopeless romantic, but i am unfazed, because i believe in the power of love and in the grander scheme of things.
  
  though today i wallow in the solitude of submitting to passivity, i look forward to the day of my completion: when i will live not just for myself, but for YOU, and for the FUTURE that we will spend together.

  
  

----

sad ei?

for dawn, who is beautiful.

there is no tragedy far worse than the feeling of being unloved, or more damning, the feeling of being unlovable.

this was what i had gathered from my friend dawn in one of our recent conversations after we have lost touch for quite some time.

dawn was a blockmate in diliman, and after having graduated with honors in college, she immediately went to singapore where, apart from being suddenly immersed in a foreign culture, she had her first boyfriend — a singaporean whom she believed was her first true love.

‘ang hirap dito clyde.. hindi lang yung buhay ang fast-paced, pati yung love life, parang fast-tracked na rin...’

and it seemed that while we were conversing, her pain was as palpable as that of a wound that had been sustained for the first time, although hers was, from what i felt, deliberately inflicted — and it had cut her deep.

dawn, who was the sweetest and most thoughtful blockmate that i had in college, suddenly appeared cold, broken and lifeless to me — because unfortunately, her first relationship was with a foreign man who was neither warm, thoughtful, nor caring. and after she took pains to understanding him, and tried changing her ways just to make the relationship work, he had left her without a proper goodbye, and he had moved on to someone new.

i have always been awful at giving advice, and i know i do not always have the most consoling words when a friend needs rescuing, but this time, comforting words came naturally to me. perhaps it was because i have been in a similar situation before, or i knew that heartaches were one of the the hardest afflictions to cure — but i felt her pain at that instant, and i knew that no human being deserved to be treated that way.

‘move on.. you are a good catch.. and i’m sure you will find someone new..’

'it’s not that.. madami namang nanliligaw.. but i choose to move away, because i feel like they will shatter me to pieces again if i let them near my heart..’

it got me thinking: some of us can be most cruel, without us even knowing that the pain inflicted may be irreversible. that people, after having been tormented and broken, will sometimes choose to be distant and detached — all for preserving their self-worth and protecting what self-respect they have left.

and although i did not see her cry before me, her words bore the wounds of a fragile heart that was so carelessly shattered into pieces.

i knew she just needed to heal, but i was seriously afraid that it might take a long time for her to be her old self again. because apart from not having the same support system that she had back here, she had fatalistically submitted that perhaps, it is inevitable that the coldness of her fast-paced lifestyle would get to her, so there was no use in fighting the steady onslaught of coldness that was fast seeping into her sensibilities.

but i mourn for her, and for everyone else who had to go through such a painful journey, because no one deserves to feel cursed, nor be convinced that they are unlovable. it’s just that some people are innately evil, and sometimes, they prey upon people who are capable of so much affection.

as for my friend dawn, i know she will be okay. but for now, i will just let her be and let her heal — because i know that after everything subsides,

she will once again see how beautiful she really is.