Friday, February 25

lost in words.

fragments of my inchoate self.

i don't know. lately, i've been spitting out blood. mostly in mornings. i know it's because of my left molar that needs a root canal operation. but i think it's also a wake up call. for me to stop prostituting my words. because i am a sell out like that. my insides have rebelled and they want me to stop. so i can have my self-respect back.

for two long months, it has been a writing drought for me. and i don't know how to snap out of it. it's probably because of my technical articles. about solar lights. area rugs. and the best position to get pregnant. i've been dinged for my words so many times by my editors when i was starting out. they're too lyrical, two of them said. they're too verbose. you need to make your words simple. lethargic. mechanical. and more palatable to the average reasonable american.

and so i caved. i brutally cut my sentences. disemboweled certain phrases. so i can meet their standards. one month, okay. two months, okay. third, fourth, fifth months, all fucked up. my words were willed, and they were coercively being spewed out -- until it commenced with their inevitable abandonment. they bailed on me. they severed their ties with the con artist who was willing to prostitute his words for a few dollars.

now, i don't know what to do. each time i try to come up with a decent piece, my words are either too self-conscious or too bland. nothing is complete anymore; everything is inchoate. and the inevitable drought has dragged on for longer than usual.

i don't know what to do.
and i only have myself to blame.

8 comments:

Will said...

Me thinks you need a way of letting out your creativity. Nahihinder yung pagigiging writer mo. You need a nice avenue to let it all out and be you.

Mu[g]en said...

My month-ender for January was a wake-up call. That my craft will disappear should I divert my energies to other forms of... writing.

KikomaxXx said...

may something na gustong lumabas sa isip... just let it out..

gillboard said...

everyone goes through that. writer's block.

guess it's a good thing i opted to just be a blogger and not a professional writer.

Spiral Prince said...

that's one reason why i have this love-hate thing for what i call 'commercial writing' :| it feels off. you'll get your mojo back :)

claudiopoi said...

will, eto nga dapat ang avenue ko eh. kaso, hindi din. nakakaiyak na nakakainis na wala akong maisulat na matino. :|

mugen, so you've stopped working for bentusi na? ako din. mahigit apat na linggo na akong tumigil. hindi ko na kasi talaga kaya..

kikomaxx, eto na yung lumabas sa isip ko eh.

gillboard, but i need to have incremental income at least before i study law. i don't want to be a bum din kasi. :|

spiral prince, i sure do hope i get it back. i need my mojo jojo!

Nimmy said...

darating din yan kuya. relax relax lang.

basahin mo blog ni citybouy. nagka-writer's block din sya.

The Gasoline Dude said...

Probably 'coz the word "inchoate" is to high-falutin for an average reasonable American. LOL!

Kidding aside, I guess that's how it is. Clients have certain demands that you have to meet. Or else. No choice but to follow even if your own creativity and style has to somehow suffer. I should now 'coz I work for a magazine. (I'm not a writer though.)