i know my thoughts will not let me sleep tonight, so any effort at sleeping will just be for naught. i know that when i close my eyes and feign exhaustion, my mind will be pestered with all things dark and forlorn. and before i know it, the sun is in its imposing state, my head throbs because of fatigue, and my day is over even before it has started.
my thoughts torment me -- and what is more bothersome is the absurdity of most of them. these days, i often think of the infinite permutations of parallel universes. i muse, for example, that in a parallel universe, i may no longer exist. or that in another, i am happy and my smiles are genuine and warm. i often think about the deceptive allure of time, and how i can exist even if i do not subscribe to the linear concept of time: that sometimes, the space time continuum ceases to exist, and in some instances even, my past, present, and future selves converge until i no longer have my own conception of self.
sometimes, i drift into my ideations that a great tragedy is in the offing, so i need to prepare for my demise. earlier today, i was out studying with friends, and even when our conversations were punctuated by laughter and endless banter, deep inside, i was slowly and silently suffocating. amid the smiles and the heartfelt chuckles, i secretly and desperately tried to suppress the heart palpitations that were making me nauseous and weary. for, in my mind, how can sadness thrive in the midst of happiness?
perhaps this is the product of law school agony. or maybe i am just trying to rationalize my sadness by dragging my current state into the larger picture. i am tired, no, i feel spent, in always feeling hopeless and helpless -- and during agonizing nights when the darkness is especially pitch black, my sadness is magnified and i ask myself:
why is there always something wrong with me even when all things seem to be right?
