Monday, October 25
Sunday, October 24
Wednesday, October 20
because i need to brush up on subtlety.
It’s a l o n g, hopeless spell.
when colors burn into ashes.
and red fades into gray.
it’s when petals wilt.
even when there are mornings.
and the rain.
it’s devouring the poison.
that the monotony gives way.
to psychedelic escapes.
and momentary departures.
it’s when the insuppressible lets loose.
subsists in the empty crevices.
or the poisoned words.
and the stupor of a dreary.
or not even.
it’s when marlboro lights.
is the only stick that sticks.
that as the smoke swirls in s a d and nauseating circles.
so would this dry, dry spell.
when colors burn into ashes.
and red fades into gray.
napawhatdafak talaga ako ng bongga kasi naman, wala palang alak dun.
parang hyper ka na, pero hindi pa masyado, at kung nagpapaka-hyper ka ng bongga, iisipin ng mga kasamahan mo, ay nag-iinarte naman pala to si pota. pero sa kabilang dako naman, hindi ka din pwedeng mag demure-demurean kasi nakainom ka na din eh. kaya parang sasabog lang ang utak mo sa kalituhan.
parang ganito kasi yan.
kunwari kumain ka ng tahong, di ba aphrodisiac yun? tas hinaluan mo ng papaya, na pampawala ng libido. tingnan ko lang kung hindi malilito yung patutoy mo sa kung anong dapat nyang maramdaman, libog ba o abstinence. jowk. ayan, nagsisimula ng maging mahalay tong post na to.
heniweyz, dahil kinakailangang maghanap ng natatanging solusyon para sa malaking dagok na ito sa aming pagkakaibigan (parang varsity lang talaga ng lagukan ito, keri), tineks ni carlo si clint na magpaslit ng tanduay at isang 1.5 litro na sprite sa hotel. tas babayaran lang nya pag andun na. o babayaran ng ka-EB nya, na by the way, ay hindi ko pa pala napapakilala.
anyway, siya pala si, anu nga bang pangalan nun? hala, di ko na matandaan yung pangalan nya. al? bernadet? basta! pangalanan nalang natin siyang bacolod visitor. pero wag nalang natin siyang pag-usapan kasi hindi naman siya ganung ka keri para mapapalundag talaga tayo sa tuwa at kasiyahan. kudain nalang natin itong si clint.
etong si clint, nagmamasters sa marine biology. matalino ang lolo nyo, pero kahit magaling siyang magsulat at napaka profound, ay jusme, may drinking problem din ito. kapag sober, nakatawa lang yan na parang tanga. shy type, asus. adik kai naruto at gentle-mannered lang si mokong. pero pag senglot na, ayan na, magbubukas na ng bag, maglalabas ng gamit, ipapasok ulit sa loob ng bag ang gamit, tatawa, mag-iinglish, manglelecture tungkol sa love at iiyak nanaman. (parang talent lang ito ni miss buglasan ah!)
pero kapag magigising ka nalang sa susunod na araw, magteteks nalang yan na: 'ei, was so drunk last nyt. hihih. aylabyu guys.' ganun yung press release pagkatapos maghasik ng lagim ni pareng clint.
pero kung paepalan na lang din ng mga usapang lasingan, hindi din magpapatalo ang kaibigan nyang si paul. hainakopowhz. siya na yata ang superlative ng pagiging lasenggero. yung tipong pag nakikita mo siyang nakainom na ng bungga, magkaka-epiphany ka na wala ka pa palang bahid ng kabalbalan at ang linis linis mo dahil in the fair, intact pa pala ang family values at upbringing mo.
kasi naman naalala ko si kuya paul nung una kaming magsabayan sa bwakananginumanshet na yan. nung una, okay pa. tamang pa witty witty comments lang, pasimple, shy type kung lumagok, pero nung nakita ko na ang pag time space warp nya sa kabilang dako, kahit si akirampa ay mapapasabi na: 'o ayan, sa inyo na yan. pahinga muna ako ha. hihihi'.
nagtatatakbo si kuya. umiiyak. tapos tumatawa. tapos sumisigaw talaga, yung tipong with feelings. grabeee. parang socal suicide lang pag kasama mo siya. tapos naalala ko pa, shet, pinipigilan ko pa siya nuon kasi naman gusto nyang mag milo marathon sa kalagitnaan ng daan ng alas dos ng madaling araw, at muntik na siyang masagasaan ng isang garbage trak.
napakawalang justice naman nun pag na-deads siya dahil nasagasaan.
ng garbage truck.
habang nag-iinuman pa.
anu nalang ang sasabihin ng church elders? kalurky.
dahil sa sobrang stress at pagod ko na sa pagaalalay kay kuya paul, hinatid ko muna siya sa traysikel, sabay nagbigay ng instructions kai kuya drayber kung saan ang boarding house nya. pero kung ako lang yun at hindi nakarining ang mga kaibigan nya, eh dapat binigyan ko nalang ng limang daan si manong tsuper at pina-chugi ko na ang mr hyde na si paul. eh pureza station drama ko nun eh, walang pang-salvage money.
pero akalain mo naman yun, pagkatapos kong ngumisi ng malaki dahil wala na sa landas ko ang malaking asungot na yun, bumalik si gago. nakangisi din. parang potang ina lang ang badtrip ko nun. pakyu! [paalala lamang po, hindi ako ganito magsalita in person. shy talaga ako sa personal. na carried away lang sa emosyon. hihihi.]
kasi naman hindi ako pinanganak para bakuran siya at protektahan sa mga pesteng trak na yan. kaya pwede ba tantanan mo ako. panira ka sa inuman, shet ka!
heniwey, ganun nga yung nangyari. ipinaslit ni clint yung tanduay at sprite sa room 410. at syempre, dahil kaya kami nagtipon tipon ay para magkamustahan ng mga kaganapang buhay namen,
clint: mas may kasiguruhan ang hard science, kasi at least may palaging definite na sagot.
ako: weh? so panu mu malalaman ang validity ng definiteness na yan? pano pag may bagong natuklasan ulit? at least naman kami dynamic, hindi tulad nyong rigid, tayt azz bitchezz. bleh.
(epektib na stratehiya para maging personalan ang diskurso kuno, JOWKtaym lang!)
siya: eh at least may constants kami at definite answers, eh anong sabi ng mga bwakanangphilosophicalshit na yan na panay lang ang pag-eencourage sa mga emonesang mag-eyeliner lang ng ever bilena?
(sabay namula ang tenga nya. yahu, saxesful ako sa panggagago!)
claudiopoi: eh ano ngayon kung gusto naming mag cry under the rain so no one will see our sadness? sasakit ba ang bulsa mong wala namang laman dahil bente lang ang inambag mo sa tanduay pakyu!
(at iniisip ko ding dagdagan to na: at least ako, tumatagingting na kwarenta ang inambag ko kanina. sinong mayaman? pero syempre hindi ko na sinabi yung kayamanan factor, baka maalala lang nila yung ibinulsa kong sampung piso na sukli.)
tinalakan ko pa: isa pa yang constants na yan. di ko maintindihan yang potang algebrang yan. bakit pinipilit nyong maging number of days worked by carpenters in chuva days si X. pano pag ayaw ni X ang mga let X let X be chuva chenelyn na yan? panu pag gusto nya maging Y o Z? why can't you let him be his own persona?
(napaenglish tuloy ako dahil with feelings talaga ako pag mga ganitong usapan.)
clint: eh at least sa genetics, malalaman mu kung may genetic abnormality and magiging anak mo, ulul!
ako: eh bakit ikaw, napaghandaan ba ng magulang mo ang pagdating mo? I bet not.
(nagiging maarte talaga ako sa inglis pag sinasapian na ng kung anung demonyo.)
clint: ay foul ka, gago ka ha!
sabay humablot ng kutchilyo.
para islice ang meatloaf dahil nagugutom na pala siya. tingnan mo, PG nga at ginawa pang hapunan ang pulutan namin.
to cut the story short (meganong exit?), tumakas ako habang naglalaro sila ng family feud sa laptop ni carlo. hihi.
kaya ayun, natapos din ang usapang lasingang ito. kthanksbye!
P.S. nanalo pala sina carlo sa family feud. kasi naman, di namin alam nila anna na sikat palang dwarf si sneezy. sorry naman. shin-chan yung childhood favorite ko.
Tuesday, October 19
how are you? i know that things are not so rosy in your life right now, but always remember that you have vowed to personify desiderata in your life — so take everything in stride, ride with the wind, and always take care of your heart.
i have been meaning to write you a letter, if only to remind you (yet again) that you need to temper your over-indulgent exploits and lessen your propensity for hurting other people’s hearts.
do not be afraid if you feel that the daredevil in you is silently spiriting away — youth, after all, commences.
and when it does, do not be afraid, because the universe will realign for you, for it progresses with your progression. so stop wasting your time fretting and worrying. it will do you no good.
claudiopoi, you are not getting any younger, and no matter how much the world seems to create the impression that you do not belong here, you know deep in your heart that you do.
so embrace the trappings of the world: be pleasant with all people, rekindle long lost friendships, and smile when your heart needs to breathe.
yes, breathing seems to be a luxury these days. with the world filled with so much clutter, noise, and garbage, a breather from it all will surely do wonders for you.
listen to a good song and reconnect with your affinity to movies that warm your heart and pick your brain. notice the melody in the pitter-patter of rain, inhale the earthy musk of newly-drenched soil, and smell the enthralling beauty of crimson sunsets.
these passions, I believe, will never be extinguished — you just need to make sure that you take the time to revisit them, because this is what feeds your soul.
more importantly, always remember what you are: to yourself and to people who matter to you.
know, most especially, that your family is always your shield when the world you try to create starts to crumble down. in a sea of strangers, and in the turbulent tide of life and living, they are what keeps you afloat at all times.
affirm them everyday. make them feel the genuinity of your gestures, never give them false expectations, and always be a reason for their happiness. you have to make always a possibility.
your friends, particularly, are your strength when your heart has had too much of the world’s vicissitudes. they can provide the electric impulses in the right part of your heart when your emotions get intense, and your heart’s congenital condition cannot fathom the depth and breadth of sadness.
and most importantly, be comforted by your knowledge that whether it is clear to you or not, the universe is unfolding as it should.
you might not comprehend the immediacy of grief nor the inevitability of mourning, but the universe is slowly but silently preparing you for your eventual emancipation.
love yourself more.
sincerely yours, claudiopoi
Monday, October 18
Sunday, October 17
I see that you've come back. I thought I had purged every trace of your presence by avoiding your many forms of poison.
But apparently, you are inextinguishable.
Why do you constantly come? And what spurs your constant visits?
Is it because I am an escapist?
That is the most probable reason why, me thinks, I regularly have to wrestle with you. But I do not understand why you even need to be here. Because in your presence, you always manage to create a rupture, and in your aftermath, the relationships that I have with people who matter to me are often mucked up.
I thought I had stayed clear of you for the longest time, but it is only recently that I have come to realize that you are unavoidable.
To a certain extent, you are inevitable.
This morning, as I was reeling from you, I was able to see why I had to make you visit last night.
Last Thursday, I had an altercation with a family member, and not being too big on confrontations, I opted to evade dealing with it by suppression. Just last night, during dinner, this suppressed but gnawing hatred had been compounded by antagonism from people who did not understand that as it was, my mind was already wracked with all things brooding, dark, and evil.
I had to snap.
And you had to appear.
One thing that particularly baffles me is your ability to spew out filthy words in your onslaught. And once this happens, I can no longer stop you in your tirades, because you are inexhaustible.
For some reason, even when you always leave a bad aftertaste after the mayhem that you bring, I am constantly drawn to you. When the world, me thinks, has completely abandoned me and I need to have my own bittersweet escape from the torment that is living, you always provide me with that much-needed respite.
But this does not make you any less of a monster. You are still ugly, unpleasant, and the great complicator of relationships.
I wish you death. I really do. And in your wake, I wish to extinguish all possibilities of resurrection. For both our sakes.
Yours truly, claudiopoi
Friday, October 15
Thursday, October 14
sometimes it chokes me; at times, it just caresses me.
i refer to it as ‘it’ because each time it visits me during ungodly hours, it takes the form of an androgynous creature.
sometimes, when i’m really lucky, i get a glimpse of its face before it dissipates into fleeting wisps of air, each time bringing with it the chilling night breeze.
most times however, especially when i’m in deep slumber, i just feel the caress of its formless embrace and the smooth silk of my blanket as, like a slimy reptile, it slithers its way into my body.
this morning, as i slowly opened my eyes to greet the first few streaks of the early morning light, i felt a great amount of weight pinning me to my bed.
and as my eyes adjusted to the light, i felt the nudge of what seemed like a head on my shoulder and a hand over my chest – its weight rendering me defenseless and helpless, even as i struggled to escape from its clutches.
then i heard it whisper: “sama ka na sa ilalim."
and for the first time since i arrived here, i prayed.
it has been over six months now that i resettled here, and although i am, by nature, a skeptic, i am slowly and silently believing that they exist.
(ito yung labletter ko para sa succubus na bumibisita at humahalay sa akin gabi gabi nung 2007-2008.)
Sunday, October 3
my memory might have tricked me, so i really don't know what time it was.
i just woke up in the middle of the night, or perhaps it was early dawn -- i really had no way of telling the exact time -- because a loud, shrilly cry pierced through the darkness in my room, with only a few traces of light from outside, both from the moon and the fluorescent bulb, that were filtered by the window screen.
i remember two to three months back that each time this happened, i was not able to go back to sleep, and so i needed to transfer to a bed that had another someone else in it, be it my lolo or my parents. and i don't think you can blame me either, because in the room where i'm staying at right now, i can sometimes feel the presence of our houseboy who passed away just two months ago.
no, he did not die in my room, but in our servant's quarters, which is adjacent to my room. about 3 meters to be exact, from my window to his. he was 24, he slept early after a basketball session, and he died in his sleep at around 11:30-ish. may god bless his soul.
you really can't blame me if i chicken out from time to time, because knowing how abrupt his death was, for all i know, his spirit might still be languishing around because that white bright light has not warped him yet to where he ought to be. but still, i do hope he is resting peacefully right now.
the reason why i was so afraid before was because i dreaded suddenly waking up in the middle of the night, looking at the window screen, and then be greeted by the sight of him just looking straight at me, his eerie gaze all the more made scary by his face bathed by the moon's illumine.
and so when i heard that loud-pitched cry, i immediately scampered around and looked for my cellphone to see what time it was. it read 4:56 am. i was looking for my other phone to check for messages, when i felt something hard from underneath my body. no, it isn't what you're thinking. it was just my phone, and apparently, when my weight pressed on its surface, i accidentally typed in a number.
i was perplexed when it read: 6 6 6.
even as my heart raced because of this unusual numerical allusion to all things dark and evil, i tried to temper my horror by convincing myself that clearly, this was merely a coincidence.
and then i heard the same shrill cry again. only this time, it was more abrupt, eerier, and it sent shivers down my you-know-what.
my basic instinct had me going for the door, and not looking back at what i might see in my window screen, because clearly the sound came from somewhere outside my room.
i prayed, and prayed hard.
but the wailing only persisted. only this time, it was for a longer period of time. i listened intently to that heartfelt cry a couple of hours before the sun was about to free me from this horror.
it sounded so cold, so lifeless, so desperate, and so sad.
i mustered all my strength to take a peek outside. of course, i readied myself for whatever i might see. even when cold streaks of perspiration were dripping down my forehead and my palms were getting sweaty from the unhealthy mix of anticipation and dread, i vowed to not be cowarded by the possibility of seeing the personification of evil itself that might be lurking beneath the shadows.
all i saw was darkness.
and as my eyes adjusted to the scattered traces of light and the gentle blanket of blue that signaled the arrival of dawn, i was able to survey the outside surroundings.
there, i saw our houseboy's room windows. i could not help but stare at it, because even when i tried to move my sight away from the zigzagged bamboo sticks that provided for a makeshift room window, my better instinct led me straight to his cold and almost dead room window.
and then, in the middle of the illuminating light and the dominance of darkness, the sound sliced through the night again.
i defied my humanity and looked at where the sound seem to come from.
and then i saw it.
my grandfather's goat that was just born the other day.
i told you this was no ghost story.