bitterness much.

makapag vent nga, tutal blog ko naman to.

una sa lahat, aaminin ko munang bitter ocampo ako ngayon. at ito ay sa kadahilanang dapat sa araw na to, nasa eroplano na sana ako papuntang doha, qatar. bakit kamo? kasi sabi ng kontrata ko dun na ako magtatrabaho. bilang ano?

humirit na ang gustong humirit pero ninais ko lang naman maging ef ei.

oo, yung may dalang trolley sa mga paliparan at wala ni isang buhok ang wala sa ayos.

yung sumasayaw sa kanta ni lady gaga na bad romance habang tinuturuan ang mga pasaherong ikabit ang sinturong pangkaligtasan.

yung nagtatanong sayo ng: 'sir, are you okay with being in the emergency exit?' o di kaya yung nagtatanong lang ng: 'tsiken, pork, beef, or me?' chos.

kahit na alam kong malalanta lang ang utak ko sa trabahong ito, keri lang, kasi makakapag liwaliw naman ako sa kung saang parte ng mundo, at bibigyan pa nila ako ng malaking sahod para lang sa pagpapafacial at pagpapakyut ko.

oo, mukhang pera at vain talaga ako. masama ugali ko ngayon, kaya sayo na muna yang hirit na yan kung ayaw mong masaktan. JOWKtaym!

heniwei gateway, parang ang hirap lang ng pinagdaanan ko bago ako nagtagumpay sa kaepalang to.

una, nag ipon pa ako para lang makabili ng plane ticket papuntang manila para sa recruitment.

pangalawa, muntik ko ng ibenta ang katawang lupa ko sa isang baklang mayaman na nagpahiram sa aking ng ng coat and tie.

at pinakamalupet, binasag ang nag-uumapaw kong self-esteem nung recruitment day sa dinami-dami ng mga artista at modelo ng pond's na dumating. malakas ang kutob kong mukha akong madungis nung araw na yun.

pero dahil sadyang mabait si lord, at umepekto naman ang panglalandi ko sa bumbay na recruitment officer nung araw na yun, ay pinalad naman akong makuha sa final 11 na nag final interview. tatlo lang kameng lalake at walong babae out of more than 4000 applicants. (ang angas lang namp)

yung isa ko pa ngang kasabayan sa FI ay isang sikat na PBB hausmate. siney itey? wag nalang, at baka mabasa pa nya to at hindi na siya magli-like sa mga witty na mga fezbuk status messages ko.

kaya ayun, nagpainom ako ng bungga at nagpaburger sa mga purezang kaibigan ko (mahal ko kayo mga friends, pramis) nung tinawagan nako ng bumbay na HR coordinator ko. oct 25 daw yung departure date ko.

pero syempre bago yun, may medicals pa.

hayown. duown ako bumagsak. dahil sa congenital heart problem ko na asymptomatic naman, haller. sinong ampalaya? at dahel strekto sena koya at ate sa qatar air, tinerminate ng mga pota ang offer of employment ko. dapat pala pinareimburse ko nalang yung mga alak at yum burger na pinanglibre ko, shet.

so hayun, umalis na yung eroplano ngayon na walang claudiopoi na kasama. pero keri lang. mag-iisip nalang ako ng mga dahilan kung bakit nega maging ef ei. at mag aabugasiya nalang ako, para hindi malanta ang utak ko. bitter na kung bitter!

hainakupowhz, nakakalungkot talaga. pero at least hindi na ako sasayaw sa lady gaga music at magtitinda ng baboy, baka, tsiken, o ampaw.

pero bago ako magka-closure, dapat ko munang ilabas to:

p*#@*g l*^a nilang lahat! (cge nga, idecipher mo nga).

ayan, okay na ako (ng slight).

an ode to that night of beer and brokenness.

it was a starless night, but we could not care any less.

i was drifting away in my thoughts, just like always, and you were busy chipping off the big lump of ice that we would later on use for downing our poison of choice that night.

it was red horse, and even when that starless night happened three years ago, my memory of it is still pristine:

there was carlo, who was just starting his journey into alcoholism, therese's head was still crowned by her birthday tiara, and there was you, perenially holding your cigarette stick as though it was incapable of burning itself out.

we were at sted's silliman, and even when we were overdressed for beer and cigarettes, that really did not matter.

that night, for me, was when i saw how sad you really were.

yes, we laughed incessantly about our usual mundane musings, but even when you seemed to be genuinely happy, i knew that you were not.

there was a haunting sadness in your laughter, and even when alcohol was slowly warping us into a parallel universe where only our anecdotes mattered, i caught a glimpse of how your heart had been weeping incessantly.

there were even moments when, suspended in silence, you would just stare into nothingness. and each time you did this, i saw the abysmal depths that your spirit has sunk into.

you would puff your cigarette from time to time, you barely paused to give your lungs some breather. you held on to it like an important medicine that cured whatever was gnawing at your very core.

i even remember telling you to momentarily stop, but you were bent on being drowned by the fleeting wisps of smoke where everything, even your sadness, was shrouded by a thick cloud of randomness.

when i felt that the time for bidding had come, I politely asked to leave. but you would not hear any of it.

stay.

stay, because i don't know where to go.

stay, because i don't know where home is.

stay, because i don't want to be devoured by my thoughts.

stay, just stay.

even when you did not say these actual words, i felt that that was what you wanted me to hear.

where are we going?

i don't know. let's go somewhere that's not home.

let's go to silliman beach?

let's.

when we got there, carlo was his usual self. he quickly stripped down to his underwear, and plunged into the darkness of the sea's embrace.

there, in the shore, we smoked the last of the cigarettes.

how are you?

i don't know, really. life's pretty warped lately. but i think i'm okay.

you are always not okay, in my mind, when you say you think you are okay.

how's your parents? will you really be taking a hiatus this june?

i don't know actually. i have yet to think about that.

silence.

but silence that was pregnant with sadness that was so profound no words could ever capture how we had been ensnared and paralyzed by it. and even when neither of us verbalized the tragedy that was slowly itching its way into our very core, we knew that we were slowly devoured by existentialist death.

i remember taking a picture of myself with your camera. it was supposed to be a picture that captured my moment of breathing. you took it, and even when i looked demented from trying to exaggerate what my concept of breathing is, it was a picture that captured the emancipation that i yearned for from all things dark and brooding.

let's leave?

no, i want to welcome the sunrise here.

but my parents need me to be home now.

i want to stay.

no, you have to leave. it's not safe for you to be here.

okay, fine. let's go, then.

even when we were not able to see the first few streaks of sunrise that morning, how i wish i could have told you that things will be better after that night.

that we are meant for happiness, and that no matter how elusive, breathing is always inevitable.

that brokenness, even when gut-wrenching and palpable, is bound to end.

i love you, anna, and it warms my heart to see that finally, after three long years of temperance, we have managed to crawl our way out of the pit.

because i need to brush up on subtlety.

It’s a l o n g, hopeless spell.

when colors burn into ashes.

and red fades into gray.

it’s when petals wilt.

and wither.

even when there are mornings.

and the rain.

whistles.

for it.

to blossom.

it’s devouring the poison.

and hoping.

that the monotony gives way.

to psychedelic escapes.

and momentary departures.

it’s when the insuppressible lets loose.

as it.

subsists in the empty crevices.

or the poisoned words.

and the stupor of a dreary.

existentially-angsty.

existence.

or not even.

it’s when marlboro lights.

is the only stick that sticks.

and wishing.

wishful thinking.

that as the smoke swirls in s a d and nauseating circles.

and dissipates.

ascends.

so would this dry, dry spell.

when colors burn into ashes.

and red fades into gray.

usapang lasing lang ito (part 2). hahaha.

(pagkatapos kong mapawhatdafak...)

napawhatdafak talaga ako ng bongga kasi naman, wala palang alak dun.

sa lahat ng ayaw ko ay isa na yata ang makulangan ng alak kapag may inuman. kahit na mabitin sa sex, keri lang. pag alak na ang usapan, rampage talaga ang kahihinatnan pag ipinagkait ito matapos kong makatikim ng one bottle of beer or ten.

hindi din naman kasi mahirap intindihin kung bakit naghuhuramentado ang systema ko kapagka ganun. mahirap kasi pag nasa kalagitnaan ka na sa lasingang paglalakbay tapos biglang naudlot.

parang hyper ka na, pero hindi pa masyado, at kung nagpapaka-hyper ka ng bongga, iisipin ng mga kasamahan mo, ay nag-iinarte naman pala to si pota. pero sa kabilang dako naman, hindi ka din pwedeng mag demure-demurean kasi nakainom ka na din eh. kaya parang sasabog lang ang utak mo sa kalituhan.

parang ganito kasi yan.

kunwari kumain ka ng tahong, di ba aphrodisiac yun? tas hinaluan mo ng papaya, na pampawala ng libido. tingnan ko lang kung hindi malilito yung patutoy mo sa kung anong dapat nyang maramdaman, libog ba o abstinence. jowk. ayan, nagsisimula ng maging mahalay tong post na to.

heniweyz, dahil kinakailangang maghanap ng natatanging solusyon para sa malaking dagok na ito sa aming pagkakaibigan (parang varsity lang talaga ng lagukan ito, keri), tineks ni carlo si clint na magpaslit ng tanduay at isang 1.5 litro na sprite sa hotel. tas babayaran lang nya pag andun na. o babayaran ng ka-EB nya, na by the way, ay hindi ko pa pala napapakilala.

anyway, siya pala si, anu nga bang pangalan nun? hala, di ko na matandaan yung pangalan nya. al? bernadet? basta! pangalanan nalang natin siyang bacolod visitor. pero wag nalang natin siyang pag-usapan kasi hindi naman siya ganung ka keri para mapapalundag talaga tayo sa tuwa at kasiyahan. kudain nalang natin itong si clint.

etong si clint, nagmamasters sa marine biology. matalino ang lolo nyo, pero kahit magaling siyang magsulat at napaka profound, ay jusme, may drinking problem din ito. kapag sober, nakatawa lang yan na parang tanga. shy type, asus. adik kai naruto at gentle-mannered lang si mokong. pero pag senglot na, ayan na, magbubukas na ng bag, maglalabas ng gamit, ipapasok ulit sa loob ng bag ang gamit, tatawa, mag-iinglish, manglelecture tungkol sa love at iiyak nanaman. (parang talent lang ito ni miss buglasan ah!)

pero kapag magigising ka nalang sa susunod na araw, magteteks nalang yan na: 'ei, was so drunk last nyt. hihih. aylabyu guys.' ganun yung press release pagkatapos maghasik ng lagim ni pareng clint.

pero kung paepalan na lang din ng mga usapang lasingan, hindi din magpapatalo ang kaibigan nyang si paul. hainakopowhz. siya na yata ang superlative ng pagiging lasenggero. yung tipong pag nakikita mo siyang nakainom na ng bungga, magkaka-epiphany ka na wala ka pa palang bahid ng kabalbalan at ang linis linis mo dahil in the fair, intact pa pala ang family values at upbringing mo.

kasi naman naalala ko si kuya paul nung una kaming magsabayan sa bwakananginumanshet na yan. nung una, okay pa. tamang pa witty witty comments lang, pasimple, shy type kung lumagok, pero nung nakita ko na ang pag time space warp nya sa kabilang dako, kahit si akirampa ay mapapasabi na: 'o ayan, sa inyo na yan. pahinga muna ako ha. hihihi'.

nagtatatakbo si kuya. umiiyak. tapos tumatawa. tapos sumisigaw talaga, yung tipong with feelings. grabeee. parang socal suicide lang pag kasama mo siya. tapos naalala ko pa, shet, pinipigilan ko pa siya nuon kasi naman gusto nyang mag milo marathon sa kalagitnaan ng daan ng alas dos ng madaling araw, at muntik na siyang masagasaan ng isang garbage trak.

napakawalang justice naman nun pag na-deads siya dahil nasagasaan.

ng garbage truck.

habang nag-iinuman pa.

anu nalang ang sasabihin ng church elders? kalurky.

dahil sa sobrang stress at pagod ko na sa pagaalalay kay kuya paul, hinatid ko muna siya sa traysikel, sabay nagbigay ng instructions kai kuya drayber kung saan ang boarding house nya. pero kung ako lang yun at hindi nakarining ang mga kaibigan nya, eh dapat binigyan ko nalang ng limang daan si manong tsuper at pina-chugi ko na ang mr hyde na si paul. eh pureza station drama ko nun eh, walang pang-salvage money.

pero akalain mo naman yun, pagkatapos kong ngumisi ng malaki dahil wala na sa landas ko ang malaking asungot na yun, bumalik si gago. nakangisi din. parang potang ina lang ang badtrip ko nun. pakyu! [paalala lamang po, hindi ako ganito magsalita in person. shy talaga ako sa personal. na carried away lang sa emosyon. hihihi.]

kasi naman hindi ako pinanganak para bakuran siya at protektahan sa mga pesteng trak na yan. kaya pwede ba tantanan mo ako. panira ka sa inuman, shet ka!

heniwey, ganun nga yung nangyari. ipinaslit ni clint yung tanduay at sprite sa room 410. at syempre, dahil kaya kami nagtipon tipon ay para magkamustahan ng mga kaganapang buhay namen, hindi, alak lang talaga ang habol namen, at ercon na din sa hotel, yahu, hindi mawawala ang mga marathon na epalang yan. dahil biology major si clint at ako naman ay isang magiting na alagad ng pilosopiya (feelingero amp), nagululan lang kami sa kung anu ang mas astig: hard science o social science.

[BEGIN]

clint: mas may kasiguruhan ang hard science, kasi at least may palaging definite na sagot.

ako: weh? so panu mu malalaman ang validity ng definiteness na yan? pano pag may bagong natuklasan ulit? at least naman kami dynamic, hindi tulad nyong rigid, tayt azz bitchezz. bleh.
(epektib na stratehiya para maging personalan ang diskurso kuno, JOWKtaym lang!)

siya: eh at least may constants kami at definite answers, eh anong sabi ng mga bwakanangphilosophicalshit na yan na panay lang ang pag-eencourage sa mga emonesang mag-eyeliner lang ng ever bilena?
(sabay namula ang tenga nya. yahu, saxesful ako sa panggagago!)

claudiopoi: eh ano ngayon kung gusto naming mag cry under the rain so no one will see our sadness? sasakit ba ang bulsa mong wala namang laman dahil bente lang ang inambag mo sa tanduay pakyu!
(at iniisip ko ding dagdagan to na: at least ako, tumatagingting na kwarenta ang inambag ko kanina. sinong mayaman? pero syempre hindi ko na sinabi yung kayamanan factor, baka maalala lang nila yung ibinulsa kong sampung piso na sukli.)

tinalakan ko pa: isa pa yang constants na yan. di ko maintindihan yang potang algebrang yan. bakit pinipilit nyong maging number of days worked by carpenters in chuva days si X. pano pag ayaw ni X ang mga let X let X be chuva chenelyn na yan? panu pag gusto nya maging Y o Z? why can't you let him be his own persona?
(napaenglish tuloy ako dahil with feelings talaga ako pag mga ganitong usapan.)

clint: eh at least sa genetics, malalaman mu kung may genetic abnormality and magiging anak mo, ulul!

ako: eh bakit ikaw, napaghandaan ba ng magulang mo ang pagdating mo? I bet not.
(nagiging maarte talaga ako sa inglis pag sinasapian na ng kung anung demonyo.)

clint: ay foul ka, gago ka ha!

sabay humablot ng kutchilyo.

para islice ang meatloaf dahil nagugutom na pala siya. tingnan mo, PG nga at ginawa pang hapunan ang pulutan namin.

[END]

to cut the story short (meganong exit?), tumakas ako habang naglalaro sila ng family feud sa laptop ni carlo. hihi.

kaya ayun, natapos din ang usapang lasingang ito. kthanksbye!

P.S. nanalo pala sina carlo sa family feud. kasi naman, di namin alam nila anna na sikat palang dwarf si sneezy. sorry naman. shin-chan yung childhood favorite ko.

kthanksbye!

because sometimes i need to be reminded.

dear claudiopoi,

how are you? i know that things are not so rosy in your life right now, but always remember that you have vowed to personify desiderata in your life — so take everything in stride, ride with the wind, and always take care of your heart.

i have been meaning to write you a letter, if only to remind you (yet again) that you need to temper your over-indulgent exploits and lessen your propensity for hurting other people’s hearts.

do not be afraid if you feel that the daredevil in you is silently spiriting away — youth, after all, commences.

and when it does, do not be afraid, because the universe will realign for you, for it progresses with your progression. so stop wasting your time fretting and worrying. it will do you no good.

claudiopoi, you are not getting any younger, and no matter how much the world seems to create the impression that you do not belong here, you know deep in your heart that you do.

so embrace the trappings of the world: be pleasant with all people, rekindle long lost friendships, and smile when your heart needs to breathe.

yes, breathing seems to be a luxury these days. with the world filled with so much clutter, noise, and garbage, a breather from it all will surely do wonders for you.

listen to a good song and reconnect with your affinity to movies that warm your heart and pick your brain. notice the melody in the pitter-patter of rain, inhale the earthy musk of newly-drenched soil, and smell the enthralling beauty of crimson sunsets.

these passions, I believe, will never be extinguished — you just need to make sure that you take the time to revisit them, because this is what feeds your soul.

more importantly, always remember what you are: to yourself and to people who matter to you.

know, most especially, that your family is always your shield when the world you try to create starts to crumble down. in a sea of strangers, and in the turbulent tide of life and living, they are what keeps you afloat at all times.

affirm them everyday. make them feel the genuinity of your gestures, never give them false expectations, and always be a reason for their happiness. you have to make always a possibility.

your friends, particularly, are your strength when your heart has had too much of the world’s vicissitudes. they can provide the electric impulses in the right part of your heart when your emotions get intense, and your heart’s congenital condition cannot fathom the depth and breadth of sadness.

and most importantly, be comforted by your knowledge that whether it is clear to you or not, the universe is unfolding as it should.

you might not comprehend the immediacy of grief nor the inevitability of mourning, but the universe is slowly but silently preparing you for your eventual emancipation.

love yourself more.

sincerely yours, claudiopoi

usapang lasing lang ito. hahaha.

ang sakit-sakit ng ulo ko.

at feeling ko ito ay dahil sa pinagsamang tanduay, sprite, at red horse kagabi.

actually, wala naman talaga akong planong lumabas. pagkatapos kong magsimba sa cathedral ng alas syete, na-excite ako sa aking plano na magpakalugmok nalang sa ka-emohan at magbasa ng mga blogs buong gabi. kahit magdamagan pa, kaya ko yan. ginawa ko yan nung byernes ng gabi. masaya kasi eh. at dahil ngayon lang ako naglilibot-libot sa mga blogs ng mga magigiting na mga blogista, inisip ko na shet, eto na yata yung ipagpapalit ko kai san miguel.

pero hindi din pala. dahil kaladkarin ako at madaling kausap, isang sambit lang ni mark na 'shots' ay kumain kaagad ako ng sandamakmak na pansit, pritong isda, at gabundok na kanin. oo ganyan talaga, para hindi ka maging maagang casualty of war.

ayun, nagsimula sa isang lapad ng tanduay, isang bote ng coke, at madaming kwentuhan. may bago akong kwento sa kanya. at kahit nahihiya man akong aminin na may ka fling akong 9 years na mas bata sa akin, kebs na. may alak naman eh. siya din pala, meron ding kalaguyo na di ko alam. bwakanangshet. hindi pa daw right time para sabihin nya ang mga lumalagablab na detalye. ulol. kaya para magkwento si mark, dinagdagan ko pa ang poison of choice. hindi nya alam yun kagabi, pero nung iniikot ko ang tagay, dinodoble ko ang dosage nya para lang mag-loosen up siya at magkwento ng hindi niya namamalayan. hahaha.

pero kupal din itong si mark eh. trenta minutos kung makalagok ng shot nya. kasi daw inaantay pa nya na umepekto yung antihistamine na ininom nya 30 minutes ago. panglaban daw nya sa pamumula ng mukha nya kapag nasobrahan ng alak. to be fair, tama naman. kasi kahit moreno si mark, nagmumukha siyang longganisa kapag napapatiran ni petrang red horse kabayo.

keifinewhatever.

pero to be fair naman sa amin, naging mature naman kami this time around, kasi inestablish namin na 11:00 lang ang curfew namin, hanggang sa umabot ng 12, hanggang sa binaon nalang sa limot ang konsepto ng curfew (lagi naman kasing nananaig ang kapangyarihan ng alak pag naka apat o limang rounds na, hahaha). nagpa-alarm pa nga siya sa phone nya eh. kaya hinanap ko talaga kung saan ang snooze button. pero naging parang tanga lang din kasi hindi ako marunong mangialam sa mga touch screen na mga selpowns. parang palagi kasing humaharurot ng takbo pag may napindot ka lang na di mo alam kung button ba, widget ba, o isang litrato lang.

after 30 minutes, dumating ang aming nakababatang kapatid na si nico, kasama si joni na kahayskul ko. keifine. isang round ulit.

isang oras pagkatapos, dumating naman si anna.

'bakit mag isa ka lang? saan si carlo?'

'ayun, may ka-meet na naman. nasa hotel. pinapapunta nga ako eh, pero pota, anu ako dun, adjudicator?'

may point din naman siya. ito kasing si carlo eh, medyo may kakatihan talaga ang lolo mo, pero mahal pa din naman namin siya kahit na palaging itching for the next adventure ang drama nya. sa kanyang artistahing looks na lagi nyang pambato sa kung anu-anong mga reality tv shows na sinalihan nya (starstruck, survivor philippines, pbb), palagi syang nashoshort list, pero kapag ififield na ang mga napiling contestants, palagi siyang nabobokya.

hashaywaseying, parang nabadtrip lang si anna dahil di-nitch kami ni carlo para sa isang ka-eyeball na taga-bacolod (masskara festival kaya ngayon, kaya parang tanga lang na hindi siya nakisali sa mga kaganapan duon). at dahil hindi siya good mood, palagi lang nyang kinakalikot ang selpon nya at halatang kinikilig sa teksmeyt nya. feeling ko lang ay si mike yung kateks nya, dahil nagiging gurly-gurl kasi siya pag nagteteks yung mokong na yun eh. kaya nung di nya namalayan, sinilip ko ang selpon nya, at eto ang nabasa ko:

'wag masyado ha. uwi ka ng maaga.'

amp. parang pahayskul lang ang kulitan at kiligan ng dalawa. hahaha :) anna, pag nabasa mo to, sorry. hindi ko kasi kayang hindi i-share to eh.

pero natuwa ako sa kwento mo na nung naghost si carlo ng buglasan king and queen nung byernes ng gabi, muntik ka nang makalbo sa kakatawa sa talent portion. actually, kahit na nagba-blog hopping lang ako nung gabing yun, natawa ako sa tweetitow mo na: 'WTF. this has got to be the most stupid talent in the history of beauty pageants. lol'

kasi ganito daw nangyari dun.

nag talent si mr and ms buglasan.

unang ginawa: sumayaw si babae, at parang hinatak lang nya ang partner nya para mag cha-cha sa stage kasi naman dalawang dance steps lang ang alam ni kuya.

umexit si buglasan king pagkatapos nun.

si ate naman, biglang kumuha ng kumot.

tumahimik.

tumahimik ng matagal.

binalot nya ng kumot ang ulo nya.

tumingin sa audience.

sabay sumigaw: 'basilio, crispin, saan kayo mga anak ko?'

tapos humagulhol ng bongga. hahaha. parang tanga lang talaga. pero to be fair, ay umiyak naman ito ng mga totoong luha, at makatotohanan ang kanyang pagganap ng role ni sisa.

pero pagkatapos nyang isigaw ang mga hinagpis nya sa dalawang anak nya na inabuso ni padre damaso, namatay siya.

tumihaya lang siya sa stage.

tapos dumating ulit si lalaki.

at may bitbit na dalawang micropono.

naturelly, tumayo ulit si adik na sisa.

nagholding hands ang dalawa.

sabay kumanta ng duet ni donna cruz at jason everly.

hahaha. diba? panalo ang star factor ni ate. at watch out, dahil naging best in talent pa siya. siya na talaga. siya na ang may tatlong talent, kahit na hindi mo magets kung bakit magkakadugtong ang pagbaballroom, pagmomonologue, at pagkanta ng wish.

anna, nung nagkekwento ka, parang lumabas yata ang tanduay sa ilong ko. ganun lang yung tawa ko. pero badtrip ka pa din, kasi wala ang bestfriend mong si carlo. pero alam naman nating masaya yun eh. nakailaing rounds na kaya sila nung mga oras na yun? pagkatapos kong tinanong yun, biglang nagtext ang asungot.

'punta kayo sa hotel. bilis.'

ay, baka chaka yung ka meet nya. at syempre dahil good friends kami at ayaw naming mabalahura si carlo ng kung anong halimaw na nag invite sa kanyang mag-hotel, off to the rescue kaagad ang drama namin. to be fair, 140 lang ang bill sa lahat lahat ng basurang ininum namin, at dahil pasimple ako nung nagbabayaran na, singkwenta lang ang inambag ko. kinuha ko pa yung sampung piso na sukli. yahu. nakamura.

sina mark, nico, at joni kasi, gusto pang mag zanzi bar, dahil trip daw nilang sumayaw. ayoko kaya ng mga tugsh-tugsh-tugsh na yan. ang ingay, ang daming pretentious na mga bwakanangkonioshit, kailangan mong sumigaw palagi, at ilang beses na akong lumabas na butas butas ang tshirt ko. potang mga yosi kasi yan. mas gugustuhin ko pang umupo lang sa kung saang sulok, makipagkwentuhan hanggang sa senglot na, sumuka ng sandamakmak pagkatapos (syempre, dapat may timba to the rescue palagi. ayoko ng halayin ang inidoro kapag dumating na ang 'tama na sobra na' moment ko.), at gumapang na sa lusak pauwi sa bahay ko.

kaya hayun, pagkatapos naming magbayad, at pagdekwat ko ng sampung piso, nag ibang landas na kami nina mark, nico, at joni. nagpramis ako na susunod ako pagkatapos kong pumunta sa hotel, pero ulol, alam naman nilang nagsisinungaling ako. kaya kahit na sinabi nilang 'oo, aasahan ka naming pupunta ka', alam na nilang perennially lying ang friend nila, kaya keri lang na wag tumupad sa usapan. ganyan pag may alak. walang katotohanan, panay pang-eepal lang.

sumakay na ako sa motor ni anna dahil pupunta na kami sa hotel. sa room 410 nag check-in ang dalawa. pero nagulat ako sa nakita ko pagpasok namin sa loob: whatdafak?

(hindi pa tapos, malamang. haha. tinamad na ako eh. ang haba na ng litanya ko dito. pero tatapusin ko ito, pramis. hindi usapang lasing to. hihi)

Dear halimaw,

I see that you've come back. I thought I had purged every trace of your presence by avoiding your many forms of poison.

But apparently, you are inextinguishable.

Why do you constantly come? And what spurs your constant visits?

Is it because I am an escapist?

That is the most probable reason why, me thinks, I regularly have to wrestle with you. But I do not understand why you even need to be here. Because in your presence, you always manage to create a rupture, and in your aftermath, the relationships that I have with people who matter to me are often mucked up.

I thought I had stayed clear of you for the longest time, but it is only recently that I have come to realize that you are unavoidable.

To a certain extent, you are inevitable.

This morning, as I was reeling from you, I was able to see why I had to make you visit last night.

Last Thursday, I had an altercation with a family member, and not being too big on confrontations, I opted to evade dealing with it by suppression. Just last night, during dinner, this suppressed but gnawing hatred had been compounded by antagonism from people who did not understand that as it was, my mind was already wracked with all things brooding, dark, and evil.

I had to snap.

And you had to appear.

One thing that particularly baffles me is your ability to spew out filthy words in your onslaught. And once this happens, I can no longer stop you in your tirades, because you are inexhaustible.

For some reason, even when you always leave a bad aftertaste after the mayhem that you bring, I am constantly drawn to you. When the world, me thinks, has completely abandoned me and I need to have my own bittersweet escape from the torment that is living, you always provide me with that much-needed respite.

But this does not make you any less of a monster. You are still ugly, unpleasant, and the great complicator of relationships.

I wish you death. I really do. And in your wake, I wish to extinguish all possibilities of resurrection. For both our sakes.

Yours truly, claudiopoi

reality tv: chile style

oo, alam kong nakakatuwa talaga ang pagkakaligtas ng mga minero sa chile kahit na umabot pa sila ng 69 days duon, pero mas nakakatuwa lang talaga ang naisip ng kaibigan ko.

pero bago yun, akalain mo muna yun noh, may sa dalawang buwan din silang nakatago sa lunggang yun, at kung nakita mo kung gaano kaliit ang lugar na yun para sa kanilang lahat, magtataka ka nalang:

na una, paano kaya pag najejebs na sila at naaihi sa llalim ng lupa ng ganung katagal? sabi ng kaibigan ko, malimit masosophisticate naman siguro sila sa dami nila dun at sa liit ng lugar. at dahil hindi sila naligo for 69 days (isa pa ito, bakit ang halay ng itinagal nilang araw dun), grabe, bilib din naman ako sa mga ilong nila at natagalan nila ang magkahalong amoy ng tae, pawis, ihi, at lahat lahat na. yaks.

pangalawa, pano kaya pag natutulog sila sa gabi? kadirs naman yung nakahilera lang sila sa lupa, at magkakatabi ng dalawang buwan mahigit dun. katakot naman yun. parang nasa kabaong lang. o di kaya parang mga earthworm lang sila. iskeyri.

at pangatlo, paano kaya sila nakakahinga dun? akalain mong 625 meters below the earth din sila na-trap ng mahigit kumulang 69 days. at eto pa, sa liit ng lugar, malamang nag aagawan sila ng oxygen dun, kasi naman di ba, ang liit na nga nung lugar, kapos na sila sa hangin, at nag aagawan pa sila ng hininga. kaya para lang dun, magiging proud ka din na nabuhay pa sila nung ganung katagal.

anyways, as I was saying, dahil may sa pagka abnormal yung kaibigan ko, napaisip siya ng isang napakagandang konsepto ng reality TV show sa lunggang yun.

dahil kung siya daw ay magiging TV prodyuser, hindi nya muna palalabasin yung mga minero. ngunit, subalit, datapwat, at dapat daw may reality show na gagawin dun, tutal andun naman na ang mga reality tv cameras.

napaisip din ako: oo nga noh, magandang ideya yan. pwes, ipursue natin yan.

naisip muna namin ang konsepto ng the bacholerette.

kaso nung kinalaunan, parang nakakatakot naman ang reality show na yun. kasi pano pag naging hayok na sa laman ang mga kuyang minero natin at biglang na gang rape ang bacholerette? naku, patay tayo nyan kai chairman laguardia. at malamang lang 20 minutes pa bago dumating ang mga rescuers para sagipin si bacholerette natin. kaya fail yun.

tapos naisip namin na the biggest loser naman sana.

kaso parang mahirap din yatang gawin yun. kasi ganito: una, maliit lang ang butas nung rescue capsule, at malamang pag matataba yung mga pinasok mo dun, eh di gumuho na yung lupa at natabunan na ang lahat ng mga natitira sa baba? or worse, baka naman habang binababa pa lang yung contestant ay na-clog na siya dun sa butas, at pagdating nya sa baba ay patay na pala lahat ng mga minero kasi naman, wala na silang oxygen intake lahat. so malamang lamang lang, fail na naman ang ideya naming yun.

pero nung naisip namin yung huling konsepto para sa reality tv show namin, parang nagka-eureka moment lang kami. light bulb moment kumbaga, at nalaman kaagad namin na papatok sa laht ng viewers ang ideyang yun -- from the masa in squalor to the robed priests in their mighty pulpits.

ganito. parang big brother kuno ang konsepto, tapos dapat mag project ang lahat ng mga minero na malilinis ang kanilang mga budhi. pero, dahil sa ito nga ay drama ng totoong buhay, every week, magvovote out sila ng isang minero na irerescue pagdating ng eviction night. pero para hindi nila iboto sarili nila, dapat ibang tao ang iboboto nila. o di ba astig? at hindi din pwede mag abstain. kebs kasi kami naman ang magpoprodus ng show na to.

so kada week, may marerescue sa capsule, at yung may pinakabalahurang ugali ang matitira sa lunggang yun.

at eto pa ang malupit na ending: kapag yung may pinakamasamang ugali nalang yung natitira dun, ipapabulldoze nalang siya sa ilalim ng lupa, o di kaya'y ibababa ang biggest loser na contestant sa rescue capsule, kasi nga [refer to the citation above].

o diba? sa huli, may reality tv show ka nang sure na sure na papatok sa lahat ng tao, mababawasan pa ng mga masasamang tao ang mundong ito.

whatchoosay?

para sa aking kalaguyo.

sometimes it chokes me; at times, it just caresses me.

i refer to it as ‘it’ because each time it visits me during ungodly hours, it takes the form of an androgynous creature.

sometimes, when i’m really lucky, i get a glimpse of its face before it dissipates into fleeting wisps of air, each time bringing with it the chilling night breeze.

most times however, especially when i’m in deep slumber, i just feel the caress of its formless embrace and the smooth silk of my blanket as, like a slimy reptile, it slithers its way into my body.

this morning, as i slowly opened my eyes to greet the first few streaks of the early morning light, i felt a great amount of weight pinning me to my bed.

and as my eyes adjusted to the light, i felt the nudge of what seemed like a head on my shoulder and a hand over my chest – its weight rendering me defenseless and helpless, even as i struggled to escape from its clutches.

then i heard it whisper: “sama ka na sa ilalim."

and for the first time since i arrived here, i prayed.

it has been over six months now that i resettled here, and although i am, by nature, a skeptic, i am slowly and silently believing that they exist.

(ito yung labletter ko para sa succubus na bumibisita at humahalay sa akin gabi gabi nung 2007-2008.)

this is no ghost story.

(this happened on Saturday night going on Sunday morning last weekend. the rain fell from the heavens a couple of hours earlier, and i was deep asleep. suddenly, something came up -- but this is not a horror story.)

my memory might have tricked me, so i really don't know what time it was.

i just woke up in the middle of the night, or perhaps it was early dawn -- i really had no way of telling the exact time -- because a loud, shrilly cry pierced through the darkness in my room, with only a few traces of light from outside, both from the moon and the fluorescent bulb, that were filtered by the window screen.

i remember two to three months back that each time this happened, i was not able to go back to sleep, and so i needed to transfer to a bed that had another someone else in it, be it my lolo or my parents. and i don't think you can blame me either, because in the room where i'm staying at right now, i can sometimes feel the presence of our houseboy who passed away just two months ago.

no, he did not die in my room, but in our servant's quarters, which is adjacent to my room. about 3 meters to be exact, from my window to his. he was 24, he slept early after a basketball session, and he died in his sleep at around 11:30-ish. may god bless his soul.

you really can't blame me if i chicken out from time to time, because knowing how abrupt his death was, for all i know, his spirit might still be languishing around because that white bright light has not warped him yet to where he ought to be. but still, i do hope he is resting peacefully right now.

the reason why i was so afraid before was because i dreaded suddenly waking up in the middle of the night, looking at the window screen, and then be greeted by the sight of him just looking straight at me, his eerie gaze all the more made scary by his face bathed by the moon's illumine.

and so when i heard that loud-pitched cry, i immediately scampered around and looked for my cellphone to see what time it was. it read 4:56 am. i was looking for my other phone to check for messages, when i felt something hard from underneath my body. no, it isn't what you're thinking. it was just my phone, and apparently, when my weight pressed on its surface, i accidentally typed in a number.

i was perplexed when it read: 6 6 6.

even as my heart raced because of this unusual numerical allusion to all things dark and evil, i tried to temper my horror by convincing myself that clearly, this was merely a coincidence.

and then i heard the same shrill cry again. only this time, it was more abrupt, eerier, and it sent shivers down my you-know-what.

my basic instinct had me going for the door, and not looking back at what i might see in my window screen, because clearly the sound came from somewhere outside my room.

i prayed, and prayed hard.

but the wailing only persisted. only this time, it was for a longer period of time. i listened intently to that heartfelt cry a couple of hours before the sun was about to free me from this horror.

it sounded so cold, so lifeless, so desperate, and so sad.

i mustered all my strength to take a peek outside. of course, i readied myself for whatever i might see. even when cold streaks of perspiration were dripping down my forehead and my palms were getting sweaty from the unhealthy mix of anticipation and dread, i vowed to not be cowarded by the possibility of seeing the personification of evil itself that might be lurking beneath the shadows.

darkness.

all i saw was darkness.

and as my eyes adjusted to the scattered traces of light and the gentle blanket of blue that signaled the arrival of dawn, i was able to survey the outside surroundings.

there, i saw our houseboy's room windows. i could not help but stare at it, because even when i tried to move my sight away from the zigzagged bamboo sticks that provided for a makeshift room window, my better instinct led me straight to his cold and almost dead room window.

and then, in the middle of the illuminating light and the dominance of darkness, the sound sliced through the night again.

i defied my humanity and looked at where the sound seem to come from.

and then i saw it.

my grandfather's goat that was just born the other day.

i told you this was no ghost story.

test mic.

hello. test mic. test mic.

oh, hello there.